


Limerence

by Yukkuri



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-02
Updated: 2015-10-02
Packaged: 2018-04-24 10:10:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 28,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4915498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yukkuri/pseuds/Yukkuri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Baekhyun never feels like he belongs anywhere. Even after he moved to the sleepy town, he still feels like the invisible boy he was before. Then it changes when he meets Sehun. Sehun whose dreams are bigger than his small town. But everything is not always easy for people like them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Limerence

  
_Limerence_   
_(n) the state of being infatuated with another person._

  
  
  
He hates it whenever his insomnia is acting up again.  
  
He hates it especially because he doesn’t know any places that still open at this hour in this sleepy town where most of everything stop running at 9.  
  
Baekhyun cranks the engine of his beat up Subaru, wrapping himself in his parka because the heater doesn’t work. There has to be a 24 hours convenience store in this town somewhere. 24 hours convenience stores are everywhere in every town in every state. He just has to drive further. He found a diner that opened until 9.30 during his escapade the night before. But the coffee tasted like tar and the waiters kept looking at him expecting him to leave soon.  
  
He can’t stay in his cramped apartment any longer. Baekhyun thinks he already memorized every crack on the wall and he had read The Catcher in the Rye for the nth times until the smell of the paper ingrained in his clothes.  
  
He needs fresh air. And a good coffee.  
  
He drives around for hours, taking the scenery of dim lit houses and dark trees. It’s his second week in this quiet town and it’s so different from the town where he came from. The people are much nicer here. And much quiet.   
  
He drives to an empty gas station where he can see a haggard looking man smoking a cigarette in front of a door with toilet written in a big bold letters. It’s not the smartest thing to do but he smiles at the man when he nods at his car.  
  
While he waits for the gasoline to fill his tank, Baekhyun contemplates to ask the man about places to go. Before he can make up his mind, the man already turn to him and open his mouth: “You’re a student at W Community College?” Baekhyun nods, consciously wiping his hand on his W hoodie.  
  
“You live in the dorm?”  
  
“No. I rented an apartment nearby.”  
  
“Near campus?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
The man frowns, “How do you get your food?”  
  
That’s a good question. There is only one burger place near his apartment and he’d been surviving alternating between eating burgers and energy bars. Baekhyun shrugs at the man.  
  
“You should drive further to the south, there are more lives going on there.” Then the man muttered, “honestly, I can’t understand why people from out of town even going to that college.”  
  
Baekhyun knows the answer to that: because it’s far from anywhere and it’s cheap.  
  
He thanks the man and the man salutes him with his cigarette. He proceeds to drive south. The man is right. There are more lives here. There are more street lamps and bright lit houses. He finds his first 24 hours convenience store and can’t help but smile in triumph. Just when he about to turn his car, he notices a small diner named Cul-de-sac and it’s weird because it’s not located anywhere near a cul-de-sac.  
  
He makes a split second decision and drives there instead.  
  
There are a lot of trucks. And a brand new van. Baekhyun feels safer to park beside the van so he does. When he gets out of his car, he notices how brightly lit the diner is; all neon lights and luminous paints. He cautiously takes a step inside and immediately assaulted by the smell of warm coffee and baked pie. Baekhyun lets out a relief sigh. He takes a seat at the back, away from hungry truck drivers and across some guys in mechanic uniform laughing at each other.  
  
He sits and pulls out his battered copy of One Day in The Life of Ivan Denisovich. When the waitress comes and gives him the menu, he orders one apple pie, pancake and coffee with a lot of milk please. He opens his book and immediately forgets where he is. The food comes and the apple pie tastes so good he orders another.  
  
He looks up when the waitress places his new apple pie in front of him. His mind is still clouded by Ivan’s suffering it takes him seconds to realize that one of the guys in mechanic uniforms across him is staring straight at him. Baekhyun frowns and he stares at the guy hoping he knows that Baekhyun knows he’s being stared at, feeling embarrassed, and avert his gaze. The black haired guy is tall and he has a set of the most gorgeous eyebrows Baekhyun has ever seen. Those eyebrows are raised and there’s a flicker of surprise in his face before his lips slowly tilt upwards into a smile. Normal people probably would reply that smile with a smile, or some probably would nonchalantly ignore it and go back to their business. But Baekhyun just stares at the guy, the guy’s smiling lips to be exact, and when he realizes what he’s doing he quickly averts his gaze and fumbling with his coffee like an idiot. His hand trembles when he holds his cup. When he looks up again the guy’s head is ducked but Baekhyun can clearly see he is shaking his head while grinning widely. His friend, another tall guy, smacks his head and the guy laughs, his eyes easily turn into half crescent moons. And the world is titling on its axis.  
  
There are four guys across him including half crescent moon guy. Young adults. All tall and all clad in blue mechanic uniforms. Baekhyun was so engrossed in his book he only realizes now that they are talking and laughing so loudly. The diner is filled with their boisterous sounds, and surprisingly no one complains. One guy with a beautiful tan is talking only to be cut by another guy and they erupt in laughter again. They order burgers, big burgers, and they eat messily. Pickles and sauces are everywhere. It’s a fascinating sight.  
  
Baekhyun tries to get back to his book but it’s kind of hard because he becomes aware of those guys (a particular one more than the others). He sort of envies them. He can’t remember the last time he spent some time with a bunch of guys. His table suddenly feels so lonely.  
  
When he looks up again those guys already gather their belongings. As if he knows Baekhyun is staring at him, half crescent moon guy looks back at him. Their eyes locked and Baekhyun feels his heart in his throat. Half crescent moon guy gives him another small smile and Baekhyun bursts into flames.  
  
It takes everything in him not to stare as the guy walks out of the diner.  
  
\---  
  
  
It’s Monday and muggy and rainy.  
  
Baekhyun practically had to peel his eyes open with his hands this morning. When he gets into his history 101 class 15 minutes late, the lecturer is already there, mid-talking. When he notices Baekhyun standing awkwardly in the doorway, he says: “As much as I love it when people pay attention to me when I’m teaching, I’d rather have them do it inside my class.” Some kids in the front row chuckles at him.  
  
At lunch, he sits beside Jongdae who eats quietly with a thick textbook open in front of him. He nods when Baekhyun approaches and Baekhyun nods back. Jongdae goes back to his textbook, a frown marring his forehead and Baekhyun takes out his iPod, plugging his earphones and letting Elliott Smith’s voice washes over him.  
  
He met Jongdae on the orientation a week ago. He happened to sit beside Jongdae during a philosophy class and since then they approximately only exchanged three sentences each: Exchanging names, Baekhyun asking Jongdae’s major and Jongdae answered business, Jongdae asked him if Baekhyun minded if he sat at the lunch table he occupied alone and Baekhyun said uh, sure. Since then, they always sit at lunch together. Jongdae doesn’t seem to have any friends and it’s weird because he is a local. In Baekhyun’s old town everyone knows everyone. But Baekhyun also doesn’t have any friends. Not that he is looking for one. So it’s a perfect unspoken agreement. When lunch is over, Jongdae nods again at Baekhyun and Baekhyun nods back again before they go into each other’s respective class.  
  
\---  
  
  
“Will you please stop reading books for girls?” His father had said once when he caught Baekhyun reading Wuthering Heights. He wanted to argue that there’s no such thing as books for girls and books for guys. It’s a book. But his father had that hard look in his face that demanded him to put his book away, away from him.  
  
Again when he cried watching Old Yeller his father had said: “Men don’t cry over stupid movies son. They go out, play some sport. They don’t cry, ever.” But he thought that wasn’t true. Everyone cried watching Old Yeller, unless they were robots, or his father.  
  
“Look at your brother.” was his favorite sentence. Baekhyun heard it countless times every day. Baekbom was a football player in high school. He wasn’t that great but his father acted like he was playing in a bowl game or something. Baekbom was everything Baekhyun not: smart, popular, an athlete, tall and broad.  
  
He remembered their trip to the local swimming pool one summer when he was seven. His father told them to jump, Baekbom and him, from a 3 feet high diving board in the adult pool. Baekbom had elegantly dove into the water and Baekhyun had shrunk back. Crying and begging his father to please let him play in kiddy pool instead. His father had been furious, he yelled at him that he was acting like a faggot and told him to just jump and not to embarrass him any further.  
  
How furious he would be if he found out that Baekhyun wasn’t acting like a faggot. He was one.  
  
\---  
  
  
“Always so engross in your book are you?”  
  
Baekhyun looks up and lets out a girlish squeak at a familiar yet foreign face that suddenly appears so close in his line of vision. He pats his chest trying to calm his wild heart beat and instinctively leans far far away from the face.  
  
It’s the half crescent moon guy.  
  
Baekhyun blinks because he’s not sure he sees right. But when the guy is still there in front of him with lips curl into half smile, Baekhyun stutters, “what..who..?”  
  
“Man I can’t believe I find you here again at this hour.” The guy says instead. His eyes alight with amusement but his face freezes in this bored expression. And still those eyebrows are such a distraction.  
  
Baekhyun takes seconds to process this. And he realizes now that the guy is alone and he is not wearing his blue uniform. He wears a worn out white t-shirt instead with a dog or a wolf-Baekhyun can’t really tell-design in front of it. This makes him frown, “are you stalking me?”  
  
“What?” and now it’s the guy’s turn to squeak. And his squeak is much manlier than Baekhyun’s. “Whoa, no I’m not. I’m here almost every night. Cul-de-sac is my second home.”  
  
Baekhyun doesn’t know how to respond to this so he just nods his head. The guy smiles again, “I’m Sehun by the way.”  
  
“I’m Baekhyun?” Baekhyun’s voice tilts so high so his answer sounds more like a question instead of statement. It makes him sound stupid and he hates feeling stupid.  
  
“Baekhyun.” Sehun tries his name and Baekhyun has to clench his hands into fists because his name sounds ten times better in Sehun’s tongue. He’s happy his name is Baekhyun. Baekhyun is such a cool name. “You’re going to W?” Sehun asks again, Baekhyun can hear the disbelief tone in his voice. And maybe he should stop wearing this hoodie.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“What is your major?”  
  
“English.”  
  
“Ah. That explains why you read so much.”  
  
Baekhyun frowns, “Reading is for everyone. It’s not just for English majors or whatever majors. Don’t you read?”  
  
Sehun grins at this, “I prefer movies.”  
  
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” Baekhyun huffs. And Sehun grins wider. Baekhyun can see his impressive set of white teeth. Again, distraction.  
  
“Leave the guy alone Sehun, you’re bothering my customer.” Baekhyun looks up following the feminine voice and a pretty waitress is standing in front of his table holding a brown paper bag. She glares at Sehun which Sehun replies with a smile.  
  
Baekhyun shifts uncomfortably on his seat, subtly moving his chair further from the table. He pulls his book again trying to find the page he was reading.  
  
“I’m not bothering anyone, I’m just talking.” He hears Sehun answers. “This is Baekhyun.” Baekhyun startles at the sound of his name, and Sehun is currently staring at him in with an unreadable expression on his face. “Baekhyun, this is Soojung.”  
  
“Hi.” Baekhyun mumbles awkwardly. Soojung smiles at him before shoving the brown paper bag into Sehun’s lap. “Next time tell your uncle to get his own food.” She says, her lips pinched in displeasure.  
  
“It’s fine. I don’t have anything better to do anyway.” Sehun answers easily peeking inside the brown bag.  
  
Soojung is still staring at Sehun but the guy is too busy examining the content of his bag. She then turns to Baekhyun, “It’s nice to meet you Baekhyun, if this guy keeps bothering you just call me.”  
  
“Sure.” Baekhyun bites his lip at the mock hurt expression on Sehun’s face.  
  
“I’m not going to bother him anymore, I’m leaving.” Sehun gets up and he ruffles Soojung’s hair. Baekhyun watches as Soojung swats at Sehun but she clearly trying to hold her smile. Sehun says something but it’s too low for Baekhyun to catch it, and Soojung shakes her head, smiling.  
  
Baekhyun goes back to his book.  
  
He feels a prickly hot sensation on his neck and he looks up, Sehun is staring at him and Soojung is nowhere in sight. Baekhyun raises his eyebrows at Sehun, and the taller’s eyes soften-or it’s just his imagination.  
  
“See you around Baekhyun, tomorrow in here, perhaps.”  
  
“Perhaps.”  
  
And Sehun leaves. It’s Baekhyun’s third attempt in trying to go back to his book. It fails.  
  
\---  
  
  
It’s his fifth yawn this morning and his first class hasn’t even started.  
  
He pulled over his hood over his head-no, not the W hoodie, it’s a different hoodie-and lays his head on his table. He doesn’t sleep, he just humming under his breath; Heroes by David Bowie. When he feels someone sits beside him, he knows it’s Jongdae. He hears the sound of books hitting the table, thick books, thump, thump, thump. And he can almost picture Jongdae organizing his books into a neat careful stack. And then the sound of a plastic cup being opened, followed by the smell of coffee permeating the air. Jongdae does this every morning. He is a man of routine.  
  
But this morning he does something that completely out of his routine: he taps Baekhyun’s arm.  
  
Baekhyun sits and stares at him in confusion, “yes?”  
  
“I’m sorry do-uh-do you want a muffin?” Jongdae is holding two delicious looking muffins in a plastic Tupperware. Baekhyun looks at him as if the guy had just asked him if he’d ever heard the wolf cried to the blue corn moon. Jongdae places the Tupperware on the table between them and scratches his head awkwardly. “Sorry, I haven’t been really friendly. My mom says that I have this serious anxiety problem that makes me lose the ability to socialize with another human being. I’m super friendly with animals and uh that’s beside the point. I figure since we always sit together at lunch we could be you know-“ Baekhyun doesn’t know. “So I love baking. I know that’s pretty gay of me.” Baekhyun applauds himself mentally for not flinching at this. “I kind of really good at it and I figure I’m going to share my breakfast with you, since I never seen you bring any.”  
  
“I ate at home.” Baekhyun answers.  
  
“Oh.” Jongdae mumbles. He looks embarrassed and maybe a little bit hurt. And Baekhyun feels guilt gnawing at his chest.  
  
“But this looks really delicious.” Baekhyun grabs one and bites into it. It does taste really good. Jongdae gives him a tiny hesitant smile and exhales a tiny relief sigh.  
  
When the class is over, Jongdae smiles and says, “see you at lunch.” To which Baekhyun replies, “yeah, see you.”  
  
It’s sort of awkward, but it’s been such a long time since Baekhyun has a friend-not that Jongdae is his friend or anything, especially after the gay comment-it’s going to take a while for his rusty skill to work.  
  
  
  
  
Lunch was okay. Different, but okay.  
  
Apparently Jongdae likes to read too and he said Baekhyun reads a lot of pretentious books. Baekhyun brought The Catcher in the Rye to lunch today and Jongdae said that while glancing at his book. Baekhyun tried not to look offended, he hoped J. D. Salinger didn’t get offended. Jongdae then showed him a book that he was currently reading. It’s Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Maas. The color is purplish blue and it has a girl in long silver hair looking furious on the cover. Baekhyun had looked skeptic, but Jongdae promised him that it’s really good and he wouldn’t regret it.  
  
He spends all afternoon reading the book and surprisingly it’s really good. Celaena is real badass.  
  
When the clock strikes 11.15 at night, Baekhyun thinks about going to Cul-de-sac, but he remembers Sehun’s see you around Baekhyun tomorrow in here perhaps, and he chooses instead to stay in his apartment.  
  
He takes out a box from under his bed and fishes out a copy of Pride and Prejudice. He hears his father’s insults in his head.  
  
When he cracks open his book, a great satisfaction greets him.  
  
\---  
  
  
“There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense.” Is his favorite quote from Pride and Prejudice and it stuck in his head since morning. He doodles it in the back of his notebook over and over again while half listening to Prof. Kim talking about poetry upfront.  
  
But when he sees Jongdae, a quote from Throne of Glass sneaks into his mind: “You could rattle the stars. You could do anything, if only you dared. And deep down, you know it, too. That’s what scares you the most.” And it’s weird because it has nothing to do with anything to do with Baekhyun. When he tells Jongdae this, the guy gives him a smug smile and Baekhyun chuckles. He absorbs the sound of his own laughter until it dissolves in the air.  
  
“I can lend you the next book if you want to.” Jongdae offers. There is no thick book opens in front of him. Jongdae said he did it to avoid awkward conversation. He wasn’t actually reading and it was silly because in the end he was the one who started the awkward conversation.  
  
“Okay.” Baekhyun answers.  
  
“So you live in the dorms?” Baekhyun watches as Jongdae opens another plastic Tupperware. No muffins this time, instead there are sandwiches, thick with turkey meat. Baekhyun glances at his sad looking soggy chicken salad.  
  
“No. In the apartment nearby.” He says. Jongdae had told him he lives in the south and he frowned at Baekhyun when he told him that he came from a very far far away town.  
  
“How do you get your food?” Baekhyun kind of expects this question. He answers, “Energy bars. And well there is this diner that I usually come to at night.”  
  
“Cul-de-sac?”  
  
“Yeah. Is it that popular?”  
  
“No it’s not actually. But it’s the closest place that has decent food from here. You should try Tazza. It has the best Mexican food ever.”  
  
“It’s a diner?”  
  
“More like a bar. They have live music and all.”  
  
“Sounds like a cool place.” He says. And he means it. Maybe he would go to this place during his night escapades. Maybe tonight. 

  


  


  


Tazza is located not far from Cul-de-sac, but it’s like a whole different town here. There are people everywhere. Baekhyun hardly sees anyone except students in his apartment neighborhood.  
  
It’s 21.10, and cars filled the parking lot. He only finds an empty spot when a Volvo backs out. Tazza doesn’t exactly look like a bar. It looks more like a diner on the outside, a fancy diner. But when he goes inside, it resembles a southern bar. Baekhyun expects to see people in cowboy hats but of course he doesn’t find it. People are sitting in a group of two and more. Chattering, laughing, everything is so loud when Baekhyun tries to make a sound it gets swallowed by the crowd.  
  
There is an empty open stage at the back of the room and people are standing around it. He thinks about what Jongdae said about live music and he chooses a seat near the stage. A handsome looking waitress-Amber, her name tag read-approaches him and hands him a menu. There are a lot of choices of Mexican food, most of them Baekhyun had never heard of.  
  
“We have the best tacos.” The waitress says helpfully. And Baekhyun smiles, grateful, ordering that and a glass of sweet tea. The waitress leaves and Baekhyun is left examining the crowd.  
  
There are three guys and two girls who sit exactly across him. He watches them talking animatedly to each other. There is one guy that attracts his attention. He has a soft wavy brown hair and healthy tan. He is tall and packed, but not bulky. When he laughs, his hair moves with him, like they are too loose to stay rooted in his scalp. Baekhyun imagines running his hands through those soft strands. What would it feel like on his skin? Like silk? He might even bury his face in them, feeling the strands caressing his face.  
  
He jabs his nails to his palms, breathing heavily.  
  
But then the guy suddenly leans over his chair and kisses the girl who sits in front of him. The girl laughs, playfully pushing him. Baekhyun laughs too, bitter and maybe a tad bit angry, in his head.  
  
Stop lusting over straight stranger you idiot.  
  
His waitress comes at the right time and Baekhyun lashes out his pent up frustration at his tacos. Thank god they taste like heaven. On his second taco, there’s a commotion upfront. The live music is starting.  
  
There are four guys in casual outfits walking to the stage. They are tall except the guy in a plain black t-shirt, and they are all handsome. One guy definitely stands up because—Baekhyun’s breath stops. Because he’s Sehun the half crescent moon guy. Baekhyun would recognize those eyebrows anywhere.  
  
Sehun is tugging at his collar, putting on his guitar and play a few random chords. A tall guy with prominent ears is talking to him and Sehun nods saying something back. The guy then walks to his position, a drum. The other 2 also already in their position. The short guy in black t-shirt stands in front them clutching a mic. The tan guy he saw in Cul-de-sac with Sehun before, is in bass.  
  
“Hello. Some of you probably have seen us here before. We are Exodus, good night everyone.” The short vocalist guy says. The tall guy in the drums clears his throat and the vocalist shoots him a frown. The tan guy taps his mic nervously and he starts the opening bridge, the drummer picks up his sticks and they launch into a song. Baekhyun recognizes the beginning of Led Zeppelin’s Thank You.  
  
The band is good. The vocalist has a really good voice. Some people started to sway absorbed into the music.  
  
Baekhyun’s gaze zeroed at Sehun. Sehun is strumming his guitar lazily. His expression is bored but Baekhyun notices the small frown marring his forehead that shows the guy is concentrating on his play. Sehun playing guitar is a mesmerizing sight.  
  
The air feels crackly around Baekhyun.  
  
When the song is over, Sehun holds his chin up to the crowd and smiling. Not the half crescent moon smile but it shows his perfect white teeth. Baekhyun almost could see its blinding white from where he sits. The lights cast a soft sepia glow on him. He looks ethereal.  
  
During this time when the band is about to launch into their second song, their gaze meet. It’s like a slow motion movie how he watches Sehun’s eyes widen and his mouth open into a small O. Something crawls up his spine, all the way to his neck and stays on his face. It’s flushing hot. Sehun glances at his guitar, glances at Baekhyun, glances at his guitar again, glances at Baekhyun again. As if he wants to make sure that he’s not seeing things. When he convinces that it’s Baekhyun who he’s seeing, his lips curl and he tighten it as if he wants to hold his smile at bay.  
  
Baekhyun feels faint and stupid at the same time.  
  
He averts his gaze onto the melting ice in his sweet tea. The band launch into another song: Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here. Baekhyun hums along. His eyes refuse to budge from his sweet tea. The temptation to look up and stares at Sehun hungrily is too great.  
  
When the song is over the vocalist yells, “We’re Exodus and we’re here every Thursday.” The crowd is clapping, hooting, cheering, whistling. They walk down the stage and disappear into a door. Baekhyun lets out a breath he doesn’t realize he’d been holding. He calls a waitress asking for his bills and pay for it. He gets up squeezing his way through the crowd that’s getting wild after an upbeat dance music is playing.  
  
He shivers, the cold night air envelops him. He was half jogging to his car when a familiar voice says, “I figure you’d leave soon.”  
  
Baekhyun swivels around so fast his neck gives a terrifying crack. Sehun is leaning on a car beside him, looking gorgeous in a black leather jacket. The sky is falling onto his chest that’s why he couldn’t breathe.  
  
“What?” Baekhyun walks carefully to his car, still facing Sehun. The guy is following his every movement.  
  
“So why didn’t I see you last night in Cul-de-sac?” Sehun asks instead.  
  
“Uh I didn’t realize I had to be there last night.”  
  
“I said I’ll see you tomorrow.”  
  
“And I said perhaps.”  
  
Sehun shakes his head. Baekhyun’s eyes want to jump out of its socket, “did you wait for me?!”  
  
He just smiles at Baekhyun. “What is your plan after this?” He asks him instead. Sehun definitely has a skill at changing subject.  
  
“Home?” Baekhyun says trying so hard to ignore his heart that is hammering in its cage.  
  
Sehun frowns, “You don’t go home before 4.”  
  
Baekhyun squints at him, fear and anxiety curdles in his stomach. “Have you been seriously following me?”  
  
“No! No, no, I work a 3 am shift at the convenience store in front of Cul-de-sac. I saw you leaving at 4 am on the first day, and again when I met you the next day.”  
  
“A 3 am shift?”  
  
“Yes a 3 am shift, you can ask my manager.” There is a playful smile in the corner of Sehun’s lips and Baekhyun could see the amusement dancing in his eyes. Well, glad to amuse you.  
  
“Why are you asking about my plan?”  
  
“Hospitality.” Sehun shrugs. “It’s clear that you’re new in this town and doesn’t know a lot of places, and I’ve lived in this town half of my life and I know a lot of places. I just want to show you around.”  
  
“What about the fact that you’re a total stranger and the chances that you’re a psycho killer are pretty high?”  
  
Sehun laughs at that to the point Baekhyun could barely see his eyes. He looks almost boyish except that Sehun has this indescribable adult aura surrounding him. When his laugh dies down Sehun says, “You have a point. How about I’ll give you my number and you can decide whether to call me or not?”  
  
Blood rushing everywhere and Baekhyun almost afraid to ask, “why?”  
  
“I want to get to know you.” Sehun takes a step closer and Baekhyun takes a step back. Sehun takes another step.  
  
“Why?” Baekhyun voice is smaller than a soft whisper. He takes another step back when Sehun takes another step ahead only to find his back hitting his car. Baekhyun mentally curses.  
  
Sehun is so close and he could feel his breath when Sehun says, “well there is a word for it and it’s called attraction.” And he slips something into Baekhyun jeans pocket. Baekhyun sucks in a sharp breath. Sehun takes out his hand from Baekhyun’s pocket and his fingers deliberately graze Baekhyun’s hand. He lingers there before taking two steps backwards.  
  
“Goodnight Baekhyun, I’ll see you soon.” And he leaves.  
  
Baekhyun stares dumbly at his retreating back for minutes before a cold night air ambush him and he sobers up. He takes out whatever it is that Sehun shoves in his pocket.  
  
It’s a crumpled piece of paper with Sehun’s number in it.  
  
Baekhyun tries to flatten it, making it looks brand new. He then places it inside his wallet. Safe.  
  
\---  
  
  
When he realized he’s gay nothing dramatic happened.  
  
It was weird, sure, but he was still Baekhyun.  
  
He was thirteen and got a hard on watching a gay porn that he accidentally clicked. He didn’t think much of it then. People are secretly gay at some point in their life.  
  
Except that it wasn’t just a phase. He started noticing things that he didn’t notice-or he thought he didn’t notice-before: like how smooth his best friend Minseok’s skin was, how the football players were way hotter than the cheerleaders who were jumping and bouncing in front of him, and how he no longer dreamed of Jinri naked, he dreamed about Minseok, the young swimming couch, and a random cute guy he met on the street naked a lot.  
  
He didn’t mind. Some of his favorite human in the world are gay: Oscar Wilde, Leonardo da Vinci, Walt Whitman, Elton John, Albus Dumbledore.  
  
He thought he was probably okay with coming out to people that time. If there was something that Baekhyun really good at: it was accepting himself. But being his father’s son, and lived in his town, it seemed like a dangerous thing to do.  
  
Baekbom used to joke that their father was trapped in the sixties. He always demanded Baekbom and Baekhyun to be tough: sat straight, stood straight, no tears, no fear, played sport, took no shit from others.  
  
Baekhyun wasn’t like that. Baekhyun was the epitome of softness. When he was a kid and his mother got him the first Harry Potter book, he was obsessed with it. His brother would go out playing tough man sports with kids in their neighborhood, and he would stuck in his room pretending to play quidditch.  
  
When Baekbom won his first football game his father practically announced it to the whole town. When some people came over he would tell and retell the story of how great Baekbom was. And when someone asked about Baekhyun his father would say, “Oh that kid is nothing like his brother” in a way that sent a stinging pain to his heart.  
  
Baekbom was an asshole in high school. A jock, popular, dated a lot of girls. But he was always nice to Baekhyun. Whenever his father came out with a way to compliment Baekbom and at the same time insulting Baekhyun, Baekbom would pat him on the back. Pat, pat, pat, it’s okay Baekhyun.  
  
That was what he did too when Baekhyun won a fiction writing contest in a neighboring town and his father had said, “writing is stupid and a complete waste of time son, you think you would graduate from high school, writing and be rich? I don’t think so.” And Baekhyun’s dreams were crying along with him.  
  
But then the Luhan incident happened. And all hell broke loose.  
  
\---  
  
  
Baekhyun saves the number under the name Sehun and keep staring at it since he wakes up at 10. No class for him today. There’s nothing more productive than staring at a handsome guitarist with a set of impressive eyebrows’ number on a holiday. He expects his phone to ring with Sehun name flashing on his screen, but of course it doesn’t happen because he is the one with the number.  
  
He feels like a teenage girl at the peak of her puberty: should I call him? Should I call him not? Should I call him? Should I call him not? He just needs rose petals to accompany his pathetic self.  
  
He finally gives up and picks up The Catcher in the Rye. Another time, maybe if he has enough balls.  
  
But when he reads “that’s the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they’re not much to look at, or even if they’re sort of stupid, you fall in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can” he stops and mulls this over. It’s sort of his feelings now. Except girls is Sehun and he’s not in love.  
  
He picks up his phone again. Nerves make his fingers slightly trembling. He quickly types and hit send before he can back down.  
  
Hi this is Baekhyun.  
  
He shoves his face into his pillow. One minute passed, two minutes passed—maybe he doesn’t have his phone with him. Maybe he’s still working, in a garage somewhere, in the 24 hours convenience store, band practice. Or maybe he sees Baekhyun’s message and is laughing at how pathetic he is that he actually thinks Sehun is really wants to get to know--  
  
His phone vibrates long and Baekhyun instantly sits up. Sehun is calling him--why can’t he reply a text with a text goddamnit! His heart is in erratic beat, thrum, thrum, thrum, thrum, thrum. His throat is dry and when he answers the call his voice cracks. Badly.  
  
“Hello?”  
  
“Baekhyun.” Sehun says in a way of greeting. “I was afraid you already threw my number somewhere in a ditch and that’s why you didn’t call me right away.”  
  
Man, he’d been waiting for him to call. Baekhyun flushes. “Yeah well I didn’t.”  
  
“And I’m so glad you didn’t. So how about my offer to show you around town?”  
  
“Uh...”  
  
“By now I bet you only know two places to get food here, Cul-de-sac and Tazza.”  
  
“I know West Burgers.”  
  
“Yeah right that totally counts. What do they sell? Rat meat and stale buns?”  
  
Baekhyun smiles, “but they’re food.”  
  
Sehun chuckles, “no seriously, there is this place that sells the best French fries and I know it sounds ordinary but believe me it’s amazing.”  
  
When Baekhyun is quiet, Sehun adds, “We can use your car if you want. You can pick me up at the convenience store or something. And you can search me for sharp objects before I’m getting inside your car.” That makes Baekhyun snorts.  
  
“Fine.” Baekhyun says in an exasperated tone and Sehun laughs.  
  
“I’ll see you tonight Baekhyun.”  
  
“See you tonight.”  
  
  
  
  
  
He pulls into the convenience store parking lot and waits for Sehun with clammy palms. He wears a simple grey hoodie and a pair of jeans with a hole in the knee and scrunches up his nose. Maybe he should dress up a little. Or maybe he shouldn’t because it’s not a date.  
  
When he sees Sehun half jogging his way, Baekhyun unlocks his car doors. He takes a deep breath and Sehun opens the door looking hot in a brown plaid shirt and skinny jeans that hugs his thigh nicely. Baekhyun quickly averts his gaze and clears his throat.  
  
“So are you ready for your night adventure?” Sehun grins and again Baekhyun is struck at how boyish he looks. There is just something about Sehun that makes him look older than his age.  
  
“Where to?” Baekhyun asks him instead, backing out of the convenience store.  
  
“Just go straight down this road.” Sehun glances at him. “You look nice.” Baekhyun blushes a bright red.  
  
And then silence encapsulates them. Sehun seems content with it, he fiddles with Baekhyun’s dashboard while humming some song that Baekhyun never heard before. Baekhyun usually doesn’t mind silence. But being in the close proximity with Sehun caged in his car, he hears the silence screams so loud at him until his ears are ringing. And it makes him nervous.  
  
Baekhyun coughs and says, “Want to hear some music?”  
  
At Sehun’s nod, he reaches for his stereo, nudging up the volume button with his forefinger. Arcade Fire’s Intervention fills his ears and Baekhyun sighs in relief. From his peripheral vision he could see Sehun bobbing his head.  
  
“Turn left right here.” Sehun says and Baekhyun does that.  
  
The song is changing and a very familiar upbeat cheery pop song begins playing.  Baekhyun turns his head when Sehun gasps. Sehun is looking at him in utter horror.  
  
“What?”  
  
“I can’t believe you have Justin Bieber on your playlist.”  
  
“What’s wrong with Justin Bieber?”  
  
“It’s Justin Bieber.” Sehun looks so mortified that Baekhyun bursts into laughter. Sehun grins at this but continue shaking his head in disbelief.  
  
“Justin Bieber is a singer.”  
  
“Yeah right I doubt he even writes his own songs.”  
  
“Hey he actually co-writes most of his songs!”  
  
“And the fact that you know it just embarrassed me.”  
  
“Why are you embarrassed?”  
  
Sehun looks up to the sky and pretends to look devastated. “And next you’re going to say that you have all Taylor Swift’s albums.”  
  
“Only a few songs.” Baekhyun is now grinning from ear to ear.  
  
“I demand a music intervention.” Sehun takes out his iPod from his pocket. He looks at Baekhyun, shaking his head but his eyes are bright with amusement.  He connects his ipod to Baekhyun’s car and shortly after, The Who’s Baba O’Riley starts playing. When he glances at Sehun, the guy looks pleased with himself. Baekhyun rolls his eyes.  
  
“So quick question.” Sehun says, leaning on his chair while staring at Baekhyun sideways. “Why did you choose this town?”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“I mean it’s not like this town has a lot to offer. It’s a very small town. And you’re going to the W.”  
  
“You know for a local you’re awfully mean towards your own community college.”  
  
Sehun chuckles. “I’m not exactly a local.”  
  
“You’re not?”  
  
“No. Oh turn right, right here. I moved here when I was fourteen to live with my uncle. So not exactly a local.” Sehun stretches his feet.  
  
“Even locals are hesitant to go there you know. Most of them choose college in neighboring towns or in other states. W is just so far from anywhere. So why?”  
  
“It’s far.” Baekhyun says simply. He can feel Sehun is staring at him but Baekhyun ignores it. He focuses instead on the road in front of him. The lamps are still bright here. But there more trees than any other part of the town that Baekhyun has seen.  
  
“You see those trees with little lamps hanging on the branches?” Sehun says.  
  
Baekhyun squints. “Yeah.”  
  
“That is our stop.”  
  
Baekhyun carefully maneuvers his car in those trees way. There is a small pathway, big enough for his car to go, with trees on either side of it. These trees don’t have any lamps on it so it’s a bit dark.  
  
“Is this the part when you lure me deep into the forest, grab your ax, mutilate me and throw my body parts off a cliff?”  
  
Sehun laughs. “First there is no cliff and I left my ax at home. It’s not far. This place is a bit secretive but a couple of tourists come here at night.”  
  
“What for?”  
  
“Stargazing.”  
  
And then the pathway breaks into a clearing. Baekhyun can see cars and people sitting, walking around it. Some of them brings telescope. Baekhyun parks his car in an empty spot near the way out. He turns his engine off and takes a deep breath. “Are you taking me out to star gaze Sehun?”  
  
“Not really. Before it’s famous for a great stargazing spot this place is actually famous for its French fries and that’s where I’m going to take you. It was a small restaurant before, only hikers go there, but as this place grows to be some kind of tourism object, they breached out.”  
  
“Okay.” Baekhyun exhales his breath. “I’m ready for some French fries.”  
  


  


  


Baekhyun sits on the wooden chair waiting for Sehun to get back with their orders. He looks up at sky brimming with stars. It’s like he is shielded under a giant black umbrella full with tiny bright crystals.  
  
“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” Sehun says walking to him with a tray in his hand.  
  
“Very.”  
  
Sehun places the tray on their table and sits. He grabs a slice of bread, folding it and stuffs French fries into it. “It was an empty land. The locals didn’t really care about it. It belonged to some rich foreign businessman before the Jungs bought it and built their restaurant. Some people came here to hike or trekking and some of them realized how beautiful the night sky is.” Sehun flattens the bread and gives it to Baekhyun. “And the jungs started to promote this place as the stargazing place. It’s not really popular among the locals but the tourists like it. Eat it, it’s really good.” He adds when Baekhyun takes the bread and just stares at it. He bravely takes a bite and his taste buds explode with it. The French fries are crispy without being greasy. And they’re salty enough without dominating the taste. One word for it: perfect.  
  
“I know. Best French fries in the world.” Sehun comments, his lips curl into a smile.  
  
“It probably is.” Baekhyun says taking another slice of bread and stuffs it with French fries. Sehun grins. “Though I’ve never really been to anywhere in the world to make a comparison.”  
  
“They probably taste better in France though. Everything tastes better in France. And it’s  _French_  fries.”  
  
“Except they were first made in Belgium.”  
  
“Really.” Sehun raises his eyebrows.  _Those_ eyebrows. “And how do you know that?”  
  
“I read.” Baekhyun shrugs.  
  
“Ah. I forget you are such an avid reader.” Sehun plops five fries at once into his mouth.  
  
“Yeah. You should do it sometimes you know. Reading.”  
  
Sehun is suddenly quiet. Baekhyun is afraid he offended Sehun without meaning to. He opens his mouth trying to apologize for whatever it is that makes Sehun feel offended but Sehun opens his mouth first—  
  
“Come not, when I am dead, to drop thy foolish tears upon my grave, to trample round my fallen head, and vex the unhappy dust thou wouldst not save. There let the wind sweep and the plover cry. But thou, go by. Child, if it were thine error or thy crime, I care no longer, being all unblest: wed whom thou wilt, but I am sick of time, and I desired to rest. Pass on, weak heart, and leave to where I lie: go by, go by. Tennyson, Come not when I am dead.”  
  
Baekhyun is gaping like a fish. It takes him awhile to find his voice and when he does, he only manages to sputter: “You—“  
  
“I read.” Sehun smiles a half smile, popping another fries to his mouth. “Poetry.”  
  
“You read poetry.” Baekhyun repeats, dumbstruck.  
  
“Stop looking at me like I’ve just spat fire.” Sehun laughs.  
  
“I just—“ Baekhyun shakes his head. “Can’t believe you just recited Tennyson to me.”  
  
“Just because I don’t carry a book anywhere doesn’t mean I don’t know anything Baekhyun.” Sehun smiles to soften his words.  
Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “I don’t carry my books everywhere.”  
  
Sehun stares at him, amused. “English was one of my favorite subjects in high school. I didn’t like all the reading assignments though. Made me sleepy.”  
  
“And reading poetries doesn’t make you sleepy.” Baekhyun says flatly. Sehun chuckles. “What are you?” Baekhyun whispers out loud. “You’re a mechanic, a guitarist, probably a convenience store clerk and a poet?”  
  
“Quoting poets.” Sehun clarifies. “And I  _am_ a convenience store clerk at 3 am until 9 am. Oh and I’m a waiter too sometimes at Banjo.”  
  
“Why do you have so many jobs?”  
  
“I’m saving up.”  
  
“For what?”  
  
“College.” Sehun smiles. “You see, you’re not the only one with a dream Baekhyun.”  
  
Baekhyun blushes. “Why don’t you go to W?”  
  
“Well, I‘d like to think I deserve better than that.” Sehun bites his lips when Baekhyun scowls. “Not that it means you deserve any less. It just college means so much more to me. It’s not just about going to a college closest to your home. Or picks any majors that would guarantee you a good paying job. It’s about seeing more of the world, getting out of your old self, find a new home, learn things you want to learn. It’s a big deal, you know?”  
  
Baekhyun nods. And he really does.  
  
  
  
  
“I had a really good time.”  
  
“Me too.”  
  
They’re sitting inside Baekhyun’s car outside the convenience store. It’s 1.20 am and Sehun figures he just waits for his shift to start.  
  
“We should do this again.” Sehun says.  
  
“Yeah.” Baekhyun sort of breathes that.  
  
Then Sehun leans over the console and staring at Baekhyun with this intense gaze in his eyes. Sehun is close enough for Baekhyun to see his thick and long eyelashes. He raises his hand and Baekhyun thinks Sehun is going to kiss him and he thinks of how should he react and he thinks of how he’s not ready for it and he thinks about how he doesn’t really know Sehun and he thinks about how soft Sehun’s lips would feel against his—Sehun makes the decision for him by caressing Baekhyun’s cheek with the tip of his fingers and let go.  
  
Baekhyun shudders and lets out a shaky breath.  
  
“Goodnight Baekhyun.” He whispers. And before Baekhyun could answer him, he already gets out of his car.  
  
Baekhyun is left clutching his chest like a fool. His car feels oddly empty.  
  
\---  
  
  
“Okay so how about Brandon Sanderson?”  
  
“Who?”  
  
Jongdae gapes at him. “You actually don’t know Brandon Sanderson. He is like the god of high fantasy books.”  
  
“I thought it’s J. R. R. Tolkien.”  
  
“It’s Brandon Sanderson to me. I’m so going to lend the books to you.”  
  
Baekhyun laughs. He already has the next two books from the Throne of Glass series in his backpack. They are sitting at their usual table at lunch munching turkey sandwiches from Jongdae’s Tupperware.  
  
“How come you always tell me to read your books and you never read mine.”  
  
Jongdae makes a face at Baekhyun. “Your books are existential crisis inducing.”  
  
“You haven’t even given them a chance.”  
  
“Okay.” Jongdae sighs a long sigh. And he relents, “I’ll read your book.”  
  
“Well I have one in my bag right now.” Baekhyun opens his backpack and pulls out a paperback. He hands it to Jongdae who takes it with cautious hands.  
  
“Burial rites? What’s it about?”  
  
“It’s about this woman named Agnes who is charged for murdering her ex master and she is sent to an isolated farm to await her execution.”  
  
Jongdae winces. “That’s awfully depressed.”  
  
“Yeah but it’s so beautifully haunting.”  
  
“A serious existential crisis inducing.” Jongdae narrows his eyes at Baekhyun but still he shoves the book to his pack. “I will read it and probably have a major depression after it.”  
  
“It changes your view in life. In a good way.” Baekhyun nods at his half chewed salad with a serious expression to which Jongdae snorts at.  
  
“Fantasy books also help you view life in different way.” When Baekhyun stares at him expectantly, Jongdae adds, “It makes you grateful you live in a world where there’s no fire breathing dragon flying around or crazy wizard cursing everyone.”  
  
Baekhyun chuckles, “you have a point.”  
  
“So did you go to Tazza?”  
  
“Yeah.” Memory of Sehun strummed his guitar lazily flickers in his mind and Baekhyun shoves a big bite of sandwich to his mouth.  
  
“The food is good right?” Baekhyun nods. “They have good bands playing too. Sir Yes Sir, and that solo Jonghyun or something. But of course the favorite is Exodus.”  
  
Baekhyun’s heart thuds a little at the name. The favorite is Exodus. Sehun is a part of the favorite. “Are they famous?”  
  
Jongdae scoffs. “Girls flock around them like germs.”  
  
Images of Sehun surrounded by girls like a rich mafia boss make him wants to laugh. Of course he had figured Sehun has a lot of girls fancy him. He means, the guy is hot and horribly friendly. Plus he has the cutest eye smiles ever when he smiles (eyebrows, too.). But he said that he attracted to Baekhyun so that means Sehun is like him right? Gay? So who cares if there are a lot of girls with ass like Kim Kadarshian’s around him. Well he doesn’t care if Sehun is surrounded by girls, or anyone, period.  
  
Or he does. A little. More than a little. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t understand.  
  
\---  
  
  
Baekhyun cries sometimes. He doesn’t know why, it just keeps happening.  
  
He was a lonely kid. But who wasn’t?  
  
When he was obsessed with Harry potter, Baekhyun spent hours lying awake at night imagining an owl perched on their mail box, his letter from Hogwarts clutched in its feet. But of course he knew that wasn’t going to happen. His father had taught him since he could wobble on his feet that there was no such thing like magic. He was a bit like Vernon Dursley. Only thinner, and meaner.  
  
The thought that crying as an act of rebellion against his father crossed his mind a lot. Maybe his tear ducts rebel because they’ve been told not to leak anything for so long. Now that they don’t have any restraint they just keep leaking anytime, anywhere, even when Baekhyun desperately trying to hold them in.  
  
He lies down now on his small bed in his cramped apartment. In time like this when he doesn’t have anything to do, or think, Baekhyun’s mind started to take an unwanted journey to the past. Baekhyun wishes people have choices to only keep memories they want to keep.   
  
Because he has so many bad memories he’s afraid they’re going to consume him.  
  
He tries to hang on to his good memories. Like that one summer when Minseok invited him on his family summer vacation. They had gone far to Colby beach, rented a beautiful small beach house, and went to beach parties watching sunsets half drunk. Minseok had looked so good with a tan.  
  
But of course that memory would lead to another memory when he caught Minseok making out passionately with a girl in bikini the next day.  
  
Which lead to another memory about what happened after the summer.  
  
That’s when usually his tears start falling. Drip. Drip. Drip. To his mouth. Drip. Drip. Drip. To his pillow.  
  
  
  
The texts come around 1.23 am. Baekhyun just got out of the bathroom after brushing his teeth.  
  
Message one read:  
  
 _Knowing you I know you’re still awake now_  
  
Message two read:  
  
 _And I also happen to be overly awake_  
  
Message three read:  
  
 _So wanna do something about it?_  
  
His heart probably does more than a little somersault in his chest and a grin as wide as the pacific ocean is probably planted on his face, but when he replies he makes it sound as nonchalant as possible.  
  
 _What’s your plan?_  
  
The reply comes not a minute after and Baekhyun bites his lip holding a smile.  
  
 _I know this place.._  
  
Baekhyun frowns.  _What place?_  
  
 _A secret place. So send me your address._  
  
 _My address?  
  
So I can pick you up_

Baekhyun gnaws his bottom lip. He’s not sure he’s ready to let Sehun knows where he lives.  
  
His phone vibrates and Baekhyun glances at it.  _I can almost hear you’re thinking._ Baekhyun scoffs.  
  
 _There aren’t a lot of apartment near W you know._  
  
Rolling his eyes Baekhyun types his address and sends it to Sehun.  
  
 _I’ll be there in 10._  
  
Maybe his heart does another somersault, and maybe a high kick, low kick and a little bit grappling here and there too. Maybe it makes him call himself silly. Maybe he’s okay with it.  
  
\---  
  
  
Walking down the stairs is never this nerve wrecking before. Baekhyun sort of hopes there are more stairs but at the same time he sort of hopes the stairs to vanish into the air. Poof. He wants to see Sehun but he wants to stall seeing him, maybe for 5 years or so when his heart stop doing an uncontrolled little dance just at the mention of his name.  
  
He reaches the bottom of the step and there Sehun is, leaning against his truck with his hands tucked inside his dark jeans’ pockets.  
Baekhyun's knees weaken and he pretends to bounce on his feet, shivering a little as if he’s cold. Fortunately Sehun buys it because the taller hurriedly open the passenger seat of his truck.  
  
“Thanks.” Baekhyun mutters, climbing to his seat. He watches as Sehun walks to the driver seat, climb in and smiles a huge smile at Baekhyun (eye smiles, cheeks raised, perfect white teeth, etc.).  
  
“You’re in a good mood.” Baekhyun comments.  
  
“I am.” He turns on the engine and the truck lurch out of Baekhyun’s apartment building. “Just got my paycheck.”  
  
“Does it mean fancy supper in a fancy local restaurant?”  
  
“I wish.” Sehun’s lips twitch. “But I have a fancy supper.”  
  
“You have a fancy supper. You mean you have it now?” Baekhyun raises his eyebrows. Sehun nods, grinning. “So we’re not going to any local restaurant then.”  
  
“Nope.” He pops the p.  
  
“This night time activities are just getting scarier and scarier.”  
  
“Night time activities. I like it. It sounds intimate.” Sehun wiggles his eyebrows and Baekhyun makes a face at him, his heart: somersault, high kick, low kick, grappling.  
  
“So how do you liking this town so far?” Sehun asks after they’re passing Cul-de-sac. Its neon bright paint is blinding under dark sky.  
  
“It’s fine. It’s quiet but it’s not bad.”  
  
“It’s only quite in your part of town. What about your classes at W?”  
  
Baekhyun shrugs, “they’re okay.”  
  
“They’re okay.” Sehun repeats, bemused. “I don’t hear any sign of enthusiasm in there.”  
  
Baekhyun sighs. Okay maybe he finds his classes at W a little bit boring. Okay a lot boring. But he blames it on his high expectation about college. When he was in high school he kept thinking that he would go to a big college in a big city far from his small remote cold town, learning English, read and write and read and write for the rest of his life. But money was a big problem and Baekhyun wasn’t smart enough to get a scholarship. And now he is here, he isn’t sure about college anymore.  
  
“You could transfer to another college you know, nothing is holding you here.” Sehun adds when Baekhyun is quiet.  
  
“Money is.”  
  
“I could get you a job. We could save up for college together. Damn, we could even go to the same college somewhere in a foreign city. Rent a cheap apartment. Or live in a dorm. Although I’m not sure dorm life suits me.”  
  
That sounds a lot like a promise for a future together and Baekhyun squirms against the plethora of feelings that attack him all at once.  
  
“Is it too soon?” Sehun glances sideways at him. Baekhyun nods. “Sorry, I’m getting oddly excited. So delete the go to the same college and rent an apartment together part, but you still can transfer to another college Baekhyun. Get a job here or something.”  
  
Baekhyun smiles at the idea but doesn’t say anything. After awhile Sehun let it go and start to talk about his many jobs instead. He works in his uncle’s garage in the morning when he doesn’t work at the convenience store and in the afternoon if he does. He works as a waiter every weekend. His favorite job of course at Tazza playing with his band, which he says, “we’re so good right? You should come again this Thursday. Kyungsoo had been practicing a new song.”  
  
“Who is Kyungsoo?”  
  
“Our vocalist. The short guy who always in black?”  
  
Baekhyun makes a humming sound in recognition. “So do you want to pursue this music career seriously? Is that what you want to learn in college?”  
  
“No.” Sehun purses his lips. “I like being in a band and I like music, but it’s all fun and nothing serious. I think Kyungsoo and Chanyeol, the drummer, take it seriously but I don’t. I want to learn something else in college.”  
  
“Poetry?”’  
  
Sehun laughs. “No. It’s law.”  
  
“Law?” Baekhyun asks noting the slight pink that tinge Sehun’s cheeks. His hands clench and unclench on the steering wheel.  
  
“Yeah. I’ve always wanted to be a lawyer. But it just something that sits rotting in the back of my mind. I’ve never given it a lot of thoughts until recently.”  
  
Sehun looks so awfully young talking about his secret dream that he thought he would never achieve. Baekhyun feels his heart swells with something that he can’t quite put his fingers on. “Sehun the lawyer who loves to quote poets and hates cheery teenage pop songs.”  
  
Sehun laughs. The sound is thick and sticky and he needs to clears his throat before he whispers, “we’re here.”  
  
  
  
Here is a deserted road with nothing in sight except trees and street lamps. Baekhyun looks around in confusion, a small part of his brain keep telling him that’s why he shouldn’t trust strangers easily, it’s a very old advice, idiot. “And where exactly is here?” He asks Sehun, subtly scooting closer to the door.  
  
Sehun rolls his eyes at Baekhyun. “People come here sometimes to fish. There is a lake at the end of this road.”  
  
“Then how come we’re not at the lake now?”  
  
Sehun takes his car key out and turns to open his door. “Because we’re going to have a picnic on the back of my truck on the side of this deserted road at 2 am.” And he jumps out leaving Baekhyun shrieks a panic  _what?_ He quickly scrambles to get out of the truck.  
  
Sehun is lying what looks like a thick quilt on the back of his truck. He grins when he catches Baekhyun’s bewildered gaze.  
  
“You know if you that desperately want to have a picnic on the back of your truck we could do it in a less deserted place. Or anywhere but the side of a road going nowhere.” Baekhyun squint his eyes into slits. Sehun laughs. He rearranges a gray blanket making the bed of his truck looks like a nest.  
  
“But where’s the fun in that? And doesn’t this give you the feeling like we’re on a road trip? Like we’re just driving and suddenly want to have a picnic on the back of our truck so we do just that?”  
  
“No it doesn’t and—oh my god.” Baekhyun laughs. “You bring your guitar.”  
  
“And Cul-de-sac’s famous pies and four beers.” He shows Baekhyun a paper bag and four cans of beer, placing them carefully on top of his makeshift nest, along with his guitar.  
  
“Quoting a famous poet, listening to a lot of classic rock ballads, took me to star gaze and now we’re having a freaking picnic on the back of your truck. You’re such a cliché romantic.”  
  
Sehun looks so proud that Baekhyun wants to smack him with his guitar. “Impressed yet?”  
  
Baekhyun shakes his head, “You still have a long way to go.”  
  
Sehun cackles. He reaches out his hand and helps Baekhyun to climb on to his truck bed. Baekhyun frowns to hide his grin but it struggles so hard it breaks free on his face and makes him look like a fool.  
  
“This is so cool right.” Sehun looks like a kid, grinning, sitting with bouncing knees in front of Baekhyun, looking excited and eager to please.  
  
“I guess it is.” Baekhyun answers. And then they sort of grins stupidly at each other. If Baekhyun was an outsider looking at them, he would probably already barf all over the truck.  
  
“So pies?” Sehun grabs the paper bag, grabs two and hands one to Baekhyun, the stupid grin still lurking on the corner of his lips.  
  
“It’s so quiet.” Sehun says. “It makes me feel like we’re the only person in the world.”  
  
Baekhyun throws his half eaten pie at him. “Sap. You’re embarrassing.”  
  
Sehun chuckles. He finishes his pie in two huge bites and grabs his guitar. He props his back on the side of the truck and begin to play random chords. Baekhyun lies on his back using the blanket as his pillow. The sky doesn’t look as beautiful as the one in stargazing place but it still catches his breath. Darkness surrounds him. Instead of making him heedful, it makes him feel safe. Like a worn out familiar blanket. It makes him want to do something cheesy like stretches his hand far above him trying to pluck a star.  
  
“What are you thinking?” Sehun whispers.  
  
“How small we are. The sky, it makes me feel humble and redundant. It makes me feel like myself and my problems are insignificant. I often think that my problems are so big it’s impossible for me to shoulder it alone. But looking up at the sky it feels like nothing. The enormity of this universe is baffling.”  
  
Sehun is quiet. Baekhyun turns sideways and peers at him. Sehun is currently staring at Baekhyun with a soft expression that sends fluttery yank in his stomach. A light wind moves between them and brushes loose hair across Sehun’s face. Baekhyun wants to reach out and tuck those loose strands behind Sehun’s ears so he could see more of that expression. But Sehun’s hand moves first and when he gets rid of those strands he is just the usual smiling Sehun.  
  
Baekhyun looks back again at the sky and Sehun is playing his guitar again.  
  
“Who is your favorite singer? And please don’t say Justin Bieber.”  
  
Baekhyun snickers. “It’s actually Elliott Smith.”  
  
“Hmm.” Sehun purses his lips in thought. He has this determine look in his face and he starts to play his guitar again. Baekhyun recognizes the familiar tune of Between the Bars and he inhales a shaky breath.  
  
And Sehun starts to sing.  
  
His voice is rough and scratchy. He doesn’t sing as soft as Elliott but it’s okay. Baekhyun forgets how soft Elliott sings when Sehun started to sing. Sehun looks like he means every lyric too and it makes Baekhyun sad. Because Elliott Smith’s songs are so sad and depressing and now Sehun looks sad and depressed. During the part:  _People you’ve been before that you don’t want around anymore that push and shove and won’t bend to your will I’ll keep the still_ , Sehun’s face twisted into a frown, his lips curl downwards, and his jaw harden.   
  
Baekhyun wants to smooth that frown and cast a spell to Sehun’s face for it to permanently stay in its smiley eyes, raised cheeks, wide grin state. But Sehun is somewhere else now, a place that Baekhyun can’t reach, so he keeps quiet. Listening, absorbing Sehun’s voice.  
  
When he stops singing Sehun’s eyes glaze over. He looks around as if he’s not sure where he is. But when his gaze locks with Baekhyun’s, he smiles.  
  
“Who else?” He says easily, as if he wasn’t just gone to a faraway place in his mind. Baekhyun chooses not to question him about that.  
  
“Uh Nick Drake.” And Sehun sings Time of No Reply. “Bob Dylan.” And he sings Buckets of Rain.  
  
And maybe Baekhyun feels more, much more, much more massive than a simple attraction towards Sehun.  
  
Sehun puts away his guitar. Baekhyun’s breath stalls in his lungs when the taller lies beside him. Sehun lies on his back but his head is turned facing Baekhyun. He could see the tiny gold flecks in his orbs and a small fading scar on his forehead.  
  
“What happened?” Baekhyun grazes the scar with his forefinger. He notices with a great pleasure how Sehun shudders under his touch.  
  
“Falling off a bike when I was six. It traumatizes me.” Sehun answers, smiling. Baekhyun replies his smile. It lasts a full minute until Sehun’s gaze turn serious.  
  
“Why can’t you sleep at night?” Sehun whispers.  
  
Baekhyun swallows. “When I was a kid I used to read until late. I felt really sad whenever I finished a book so I would stay awake all night making up stories continuing it in my mind. It becomes a habit. When I’m not making up stories I...think. And I think a lot.”  
  
“That doesn’t sound fun.”  
  
“It doesn’t. That’s why I have to go out, do something to distract myself.” Baekhyun sucks a deep breath. “What about you? Why can’t you sleep at night?”  
  
“I trained myself not to.”  
  
“Why?” Baekhyun instinctively scoots closer at the hurt look on Sehun’s face.  
  
“I hate going back to my uncle’s house.” Sehun whispers as if he is sharing a forbidden secret.  
  
“Is he..is he treating you badly or something?” Baekhyun thinks of his father. He feels nauseated.  
  
“He doesn’t hit me or anything. He’s just..he is my father’s puppet, and my father, he is...strict.” Baekhyun has a feeling strict is not the word Sehun wanted to use but he also has the feeling that Sehun doesn’t want to talk about it. Baekhyun clasps his hand on top Sehun’s.   
Sehun turns his palm, lacing their fingers together and squeezes Baekhyun’s hand. Sehun smiles at him, the dark look in his eyes receding. Baekhyun stares at those brown orbs drowning in a warm brown pool.  
  
“I’m so glad you insisted to show me around town Sehun.” He whispers. “I didn’t know what to expect when I first came to this town. It was kind of scary actually. But now I don’t feel as scared.”  
  
“Baekhyun.” Sehun breathes.  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
And Sehun’s lips crashes against his. Baekhyun gasps. It’s not his best kiss because their teeth clacking, nose bumping, and Sehun kisses a spot above his lips for far too long. But when Sehun shoves his tongue inside his mouth and licks the back of his teeth, Baekhyun can’t help but melt.  
  
Then Sehun pulls out. Baekhyun instantly miss the warmth of his lips.  
  
“Is that okay?” Sehun asks looking almost shy. His cheeks red and Baekhyun wants to lick those cute blush except that it’s totally weird so he decides against it, he simply nods instead.  
  
“I can’t believe we only know each other for two weeks.”  Sehun shakes his head. And he takes a deep breath, “I want you to know that I’m so glad I insisted on taking you on this midnight adventure. I’m so glad you let me get to know you. I think you’re a pretty amazing person.”  
  
Sehun kisses his lips when Baekhyun beams at him.  
  
Their second kiss is gentler, slower. Sehun’s lips move slowly, exerting pressure. Baekhyun moves his hand and clutches the back of Sehun’s jacket pulling himself closer with his grip. Baekhyun sucks on Sehun’s bottom lip, his upper lip, his bottom lip and he feels Sehun’s lips smile against his.  
  
“You’re going to bruise me.” He murmurs to Baekhyun’s mouth and Baekhyun follows his movement with his tongue. It’s okay, Sehun would still look handsome with a bruised lips. Sehun cups his nape, playing with the short hair at the back of Baekhyun’s head.   
  
Baekhyun’s raises his hand to caress Sehun’s eyebrows, his favorite. Sehun’s eyebrows are raised in confusion at Baekhyun’s touch then he grins. Baekhyun takes the chance to swipe his tongue against his perfect white teeth. When Sehun pulls back, Baekhyun feels slightly disoriented. When he comes back to himself, he realizes Sehun has been smiling at him in this affectionate way that makes his chest tightens. And maybe his jeans too.  
  
“You always seem so out of it whenever you concentrate on something.” He quips. Baekhyun flushes a fierce red.  
  
“Yeah well your lips really demanded my concentration.” He deadpans.  
  
Sehun shakes his head, laughing. “Like that first time when I saw you in Cul-de-sac? My friends and I were talking so loudly until some truck drivers were forced to choose another seats, and you who sat the closest to us just stay rooted there reading your book, not noticing your surrounding, not noticing what happened around you.”  
  
“They have to move from their seats?”  
  
Sehun grins. “I found it really cute.”  
  
Something lurches inside his body, it could be his kidney, it could be his lungs, but he’s one hundred percent sure it’s his heart. “Thanks.” He grumbles.  
  
Sehun moves his hand to caress Baekhyun’s cheek, to his chin and lift it up. The smile vanishes from Sehun’s face. An intense almost remorseful expression replaces it. Baekhyun frowns. He whispers, “Baekhyun I’m actually—“ And water drops on his nose. Baekhyun startles, confuses. More water drops on his forehead, his eyebrows, his hair.  
  
“What—“  
  
“It rains!!” Sehun suddenly yells. Rain starts to pour in buckets. Baekhyun splutters, scrambling to get up and gather the quilt and blanket in his arms.  
  
“God! Nobody said anything about rain!” He hears Sehun says amidst the downpour. Sehun is shielding his guitar from the rain, putting it carefully inside its case. Baekhyun is completely drenched, his sweater weighing him and his vision blurring. Sehun keeps cursing and swearing. “Of course it rains on the day I plan to have a picnic under the stars, of course. The universe really hates me.”  
  
Baekhyun turns around to tell Sehun to hurry up because it’s damn cold here, he laughs instead. Sehun looks ridiculous. His jacket sticks to his skin, his hair plastered on his face like a drenched rat and a flabbergasted expression twist his face.  
  
“Oh you think it’s funny.” He says to Baekhyun.  
  
“Well you look funny.” Baekhyun laughs.  
  
“How about a matching funny looks?” Sehun smirks, putting his guitar case away and advances with a playful glare towards Baekhyun.  
  
“What?” Baekhyun eyes him warily.  
  
Sehun stops in front of him and holds Baekhyun’s head with his big hands.  
  
“Don’t you dare.” Baekhyun hisses.  
  
Sehun’s lips twitch and he raises his hands to mess with Baekhyun’s hair. Baekhyun shrieks and he struggles to break free from Sehun’s assault. But Sehun has his head in a strong hold again and he tilts Baekhyun’s face up to the sky. Baekhyun instinctively closes his eyes against the pounding of the rain on his face. Water hit his eyelids, his nostrils and his mouth. Sehun’s laugh pierces his ear. Baekhyun shakes his head, hands stretch out blindly trying to hit the guy in front of him. Sehun dodges, laughing hysterically.  
  
“You’re so dead!” Baekhyun sputters, he forces open his eyes, immediately flinches against the hard rain and grabs Sehun’s jacket collar shaking him as hard as he could. That just makes Sehun laughs harder.  
  
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.” Sehun raises his hands in mock surrender. “I’m sorry.”  
  
Baekhyun scowls at him, releasing his collar. Sehun crouches down, touching his knees, gasping and still laughing. “Your face.” He wheezes.  
  
“Go to hell.” Baekhyun turns his back to Sehun and start gathering the beer cans. The cans keep slipping from his hand because of the rain. Sehun laughs harder. Baekhyun shoots him a murderous glare.  
  
“I’ll stop.” Sehun says, pinching his lips together. His eyes are bright with humor.  
  
“Good.” Baekhyun grumbles. “Now can we move these things inside the truck before we’re freezing to death?” Baekhyun shoves all the beer cans into the wet quilt and blanket and holds them in his arms. He moves, wobbling to the end of the truck. A warm hand stops him. Baekhyun turns and Sehun is pulling him closer. The blanket and quilt squeezed between them. Baekhyun watches as the rain falls down Sehun’s face. The rain moves in rivulets around his bobbing throat.  
  
“I’m sorry I messed your pretty hair.” Sehun says with an obviously fake guilty expression.  
  
“And for making me swallowed rain water.”  
  
Sehun bites his lips. “I’m sorry for making you swallowed rain water Baekhyun. If you’re getting sick tomorrow I promise to take care of you.” Baekhyun makes a face at him and Sehun laughs. “And I sort of want to kiss you under the rain.” He adds.  
  
Baekhyun snorts, his cheeks warmed. “I kind of afraid you’re going to suggest such a cliché thing.” But he leans his face closer to Sehun, inviting him. “And that’s the least you could do after you assaulted me.”  
  
Sehun’s lips twitch and he plants his guilty face again, and Baekhyun still thinks he doesn’t look guilty at all but he doesn’t care because Sehun is pressing his warm lips, softly, gently, against his. The warm and cold sensation is confusing but it’s perfect. Everything about now is perfect.  
\---

  


  


  


  


Jongdae asks him if Baekhyun is pregnant. Baekhyun frowns and asks him why. He says that’s because Baekhyun is glowing. Baekhyun shrugs, jostling his backpack. He feels like glowing.  
  
“You’re starting to creep me out. Stop smiling.” Jongdae makes a disgusted face at him.  
  
“Am I smiling?” Baekhyun doesn’t even realize he does it.  
  
“You’re so weird.” Jongdae rolls his eyes. “See you tomorrow.” He walks in the direction of his car, waving at Baekhyun. Baekhyun waves back, heading to the opposite direction.  
  
He gets into his car humming Between the Bars under his breath. He puts the key in the ignition and turns it. He’s about to pull back from the parking lot when someone knocks on the window of his passenger side. Baekhyun turns and sees Jongdae. Frowning, he rolls his window.  
  
“What?” He half shouts.  
  
“My car broke down and I need a ride.” Jongdae says pointing at the direction of his car.  
  
“What happened?”  
  
“I don’t know, I don’t understand anything about car.”  
  
“Have you called someone to fix it?”  
  
“Yeah, I’ve called my father and he’s going to pick up my car soon after work.”  
  
 “Well hop in then.” Baekhyun unlocks the door and Jongdae gets inside his car.  
  
“Where do you live?” Baekhyun asks, pulling back out of the parking lot.  
  
“Do you know King street?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Well, it’s not far from Tazza actually. I’ll direct you when we reach Tazza. And thanks Baekhyun. I’m sorry you have to go to the total opposite direction from your apartment.”  
  
“No problem, really. Just keep bringing food for me for lunch.” Jongdae laughs and Baekhyun drives south. He turns his stereo on and a Justin Bieber song fills the car. Baekhyun wants to grin remembering Sehun’s mortified face, but Jongdae already thinks he’s creepy for smiling too much today so maybe it’s wiser if he doesn’t do it.  
  
“I kind of expect The Smiths or some band like that would come out of the speaker.”  
  
“The Smiths or some band like that.” Baekhyun repeats blandly. “I love The Smiths. They sing the most beautiful depressing songs.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
Baekhyun glances at Jongdae. “Are you going to say that my taste in music pretentious now?”  
  
“No.” Jongdae smiles. “You read depressing books, and I guess it’s safe to assume that you also like depressing songs.” Jongdae had told him how Burial Rites had made him stared blankly at the wall for hours thinking and rethinking about his life, or just life in general.  
  
And he had told Jongdae it was okay, he was like that too.  
  
“I don’t always like depressing things you know.” Baekhyun narrows his eyes at him.  
  
“It’s okay it suits your image.”  
  
“I have an image?”  
  
“Yeah. Angst ridden cute looking guy who is completely unapproachable.”  
  
“Huh.” Is his only response. Baekhyun always feel weird whenever a straight guy calls him cute. It’s not bad. He just feels weird.  
  
“So what’s the reason behind your rare good mood? Did you meet a hot local girl and got laid or something? Want me to find her again?”  
  
Jongdae raises one eyebrow at him.  
  
Baekhyun stiffens in his seat. Nerves knotted his stomach tight. He clenches the steering wheel until his knuckles white. He suddenly doesn’t know how to react to that.  
  
“Baekhyun?”  
  
Baekhyun sucks in a deep breath. He thinks about Jongdae’s gay comment the first time they met. Jongdae could be a complete homophobic; but Baekhyun thinks about his promise last summer how he didn’t want to hide himself anymore. “I didn’t meet a hot local girl.” Baekhyun begins carefully. His heartbeat is loud in his ears. “I’m gay.”  
  
Here comes the dreading dead silence. Baekhyun braces himself for Jongdae’s reaction. A surprise disgusted sound, a flinch and a subtle way to ask Baekhyun to drop him here, an insult; probably with the classic word fag slipped into it, a threat to tell the whole town so Baekhyun would be forced to leave and never come back, anything except a small and simple, “Oh.”  
  
“Oh?” Baekhyun frowns. He doesn’t know what Oh means. He doesn’t understand Oh. He had come out to only three persons before and their reactions definitely not a simple Oh.  
  
“I uh kind of suspect that.” Jongdae offers him a hesitant smile and Baekhyun sputters.  
  
“You kind of suspected that I’m gay?” Baekhyun chokes out.  
  
“Yes. At first it was just a thought. I mean you have all of these girls paying attention to you at school, talking about you, following you, staring at you longer than normal humans should, and you don’t even—“  
  
“Wait I have all these girls following, staring, and talking about me?”  
  
“See? That’s what I mean. And I sort of kind of tell.”  
  
“You sort of kind of tell that I’m gay.” Baekhyun is a parrot today. A confuse flabbergasted parrot. Jongdae can just tell that he is gay.  
  
How does one even tells someone who doesn’t act  _ga_ y gay? Baekhyun doesn’t act gay. He means he doesn’t jump at every guy’s pants he passed in the hallway at every chance (Yeah because that’s what people think of what gay people does), unless—“are you gay?”  
  
Jongdae laughs. Baekhyun glares at him, offended. “What?”  
  
“No I’m not, I’m just—“Jongdae’s laugh dies down. “I was just forgot how you’re not a local.”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“I’m not gay. My brother is. And the whole town knows about it.”  
  
Baekhyun’s breath leaves him in a whoosh. “He is? And where—where he is now?”  
  
“In New York, happily engaged.”  
  
Baekhyun needs to stop driving. He pulls over to the side of the road. “I’m sorry, I just need to process this.” Baekhyun mumbles to Jongdae.  
  
“It’s okay Baekhyun.”  
  
Baekhyun tries to calm his wildly thumping heart. A million thoughts jumble inside his head. “W-what about your parents?” Baekhyun asks, half afraid he offends Jongdae, but Jongdae shows no indication that he’s being offended.  
  
“My mom is sad that he has to move far away from home and my dad mourns the loss of his future grandsons.”  
  
Baekhyun lets out a choking laugh. He covers his face and shakes his head.  
  
“Baekhyun are you okay?”  
  
“Yeah.” He says, still laughing. A lump clogged his throat, but not in a bad way. “It’s weird. I can’t explain it, I feel oddly happy hearing about that. And sad, sadly envious. But happy. Makes me realize not all things end badly for people like me.”  
  
Jongdae smiles gently at him. “I’m happy for him too.”  
  
“How did the people in this town react to that?”  
  
“Well.” Jongdae sighs. “Nobody knew my brother was gay at first. My family kind of hid it. Not because we were ashamed of him or anything, but because we wanted to protect him. I mean there’s bound for some people to react strongly about that. Maybe it’s different in big cities, but in this town, we believed that people would give him crap. And that was exactly what they did when my brother brought his boyfriend home. So he decided to stay permanently in New York. I don’t want him to go but I can’t watch him being treated unfairly just because of who he is. I mean gay is not a contagious disease, it pisses me off seeing people acted like my brother carried a dangerous plague whenever he went.”  
  
Baekhyun’s heart sinks with the cruel reality. It is like that too in his town. It’s a small town, all the people practically growing up together. Somehow that makes them think that someone’s business is everyone’s business. They think it’s perfectly okay for them to have a say in someone else’s choice of life, someone else’s everything. “Is that why you don’t have friends to sit with during lunch?”  
  
“One of the reasons. Some people in this world are so shallow.”  
  
“Yeah, tell me about it.”  
  
Jongdae shifts in his seat. “Your parents, they are not really accepting aren’t they?”  
  
Baekhyun smiles bitterly. His mouth tastes like acid. He doesn’t answer. Jongdae could guess from his expression.  
  
Jongdae shifts again and does that awkward scratching head movement. “If you want, you can come to my house for lunch or dinner or something sometimes. My parents would love to meet you.”  
  
Baekhyun is startled at the sudden emotion that assaults him. His throat tight and Baekhyun has to blink to get rid of the blurriness in his vision. It embarrasses him. “Okay. I will.” His voice cracks and Baekhyun covers it with an awkward laugh.  
  
Jongdae gives Baekhyun a small shy smile which he returns with his own shy smile. It’s awkward but then Justin Bieber’s voice breaks the silence. And both of them jump. Baekhyun forgets he still has his stereo on. Jongdae laughs and Baekhyun laughs. The moment breaks.  
  
The sun somehow shines brighter and Baekhyun thinks he could sing with all the voices of the mountain and paint with all the colors of the wind.  
  
It does seem really possible at the moment.  
  
\---  
  
  
Sehun calls him to inform that they can’t meet tonight because he needs to substitute for a waiter at Banjo. Disappointment curls in Baekhyun’s stomach but it soon forgotten when Sehun texts him a minute later: if you need something to think about tonight, think of me, accompanied by a cheesy winky face. It’s so Sehun, it tugs a smile out of him.  
  
Baekhyun doesn’t spend his night thinking of Sehun. Well, probably only every fifteen minutes in every hour or so. He does his pile of homework instead.  
  
He started to lose interest in his college education more and more as the time passes. He hasn’t written anything decent for his classes too. There was this assignment last week to write a short fiction. Baekhyun had written a lame story about a boy and an elephant and it had earned him a B.  
  
Maybe writing is not his actual passion. Maybe he likes it because it makes him look like he has something, like Baekbom with his football. It just happens that he’s good at it. Or he was good at it.  
  
Baekhyun sighs. He stares at his notes watching the words blurred together.  
  
He would give anything to be on the back of Sehun’s truck now. Listening to him singing and play his guitar. Preferably with a lot of kissing here and there.  
  
Baekhyun remembers how Sehun holding his hand all the way back to his apartment last night. The sound of the rain loud in his ears and the warmth of Sehun’s hand seeped to his bone. It was one of the cheesy moments in his life where he wanted the time to stop spinning and let him stayed in that moment longer than a 15 minutes drive back.  
  
Around 1 am, the time when they usually meet for their night adventure, Sehun calls him. Baekhyun fumbles for his phone, putting it up to his ears with a racing heart.  
  
“Aren’t you supposed to take someone’s order, wiping tables or something?” Baekhyun greets.  
  
“The key word is I’m supposed to.” Sehun answers. Baekhyun can hear the smile in his voice. It coaxes a smile of his own. “So, a colleague of mine happens to bring a book with him, Slaughterhouse Five, ever heard of it?”  
  
“I happen to have read that one before. What, are you reading a book now Sehun? Isn’t that beneath you? Don’t you prefer to watch the movie adaptation?”  
  
“Shut up.” Sehun laughs. “And I think you’re rubbing off on me. I read this book during break and my friend said he had been calling my name for five times and I didn’t show any sign that I heard him.”  
  
“That’s nice.” Baekhyun flips his book shut and knocking it onto the floor. He flops onto his bed back-first. “Next time you’re going to start quoting books instead of poems.”  
  
“That’s probably going to really impress you.”  
  
“Probably.”  
  
Sehun scoffs. And silence stretches between them. Baekhyun listens to Sehun’s quiet breathing on the other line, unconsciously matching it with his.  
  
“What are you doing?” Sehun finally whispers.  
  
“Homeworks.” And thinking of you. Gags.  
  
“Why I have the feeling that you’re lying?”  
  
“Well I was doing my homework, or tried to at least.”  
  
“I feel bad for bothering you.”  
  
“You’re not.”  
  
Sehun laughs. “I’m not.” Baekhyun laughs. “So I have plan for tomorrow night.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah. There is this bowling place that opens 24 hours. No one actually comes there even during the day, but it’s nice right? We could have the whole place for ourselves?”  
  
“An empty indoor place. Should I be wary?”  
  
“Please. I’m not going to do anything. Except kissing, probably a lot of kissing.”  
  
Baekhyun’s grin threatens to swallow his whole face. “Okay.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Good night Sehun.”  
  
“Try to go to sleep Baekhyun. Sweet dreams.”  
  
  
  
  
The last thing he expected when he moved to this small quiet town was that for him to have a routine. But now he does. He goes to class in the morning, spending lunches with Jongdae, exploring the town at midnight with Sehun. He even went to Jongdae’s house one night for dinner when Sehun had a band practice. Jongdae’s parents were overly friendly and overly excited to meet him. Jongdae had looked embarrassed but Baekhyun thought it was really touching. Jongdae’s parents are the kind of parents Baekhyun always wanted to have.  
  
His mother is this short woman with lips permanently stuck in half smiling state and his father throws jokes every chance he could. Dinner was loud even though Baekhyun barely said anything.  
  
When Jongdae’s mom hugged him by the end of his visit, Baekhyun was on the verge of tears. She kissed Baekhyun’s cheek and sent him home with boxes of food and a promise to always make their house open for Baekhyun. It had been so long since he had a close contact with a woman. His mother wasn’t the affectionate type. He almost lost it there.  
  
Baekhyun only let himself cried on the way back to his apartment inside the safety of his car. The images of his mother’s stoic face, his father’s all hard lines face and Baekbom’s sneer kept running in his mind. He wondered if they missed him, his mother at least, but deep down he knew that it’s unlikely.  
  
  
  
It’s Thursday night and Baekhyun is in his car on the way to Tazza to see Sehun’s band. Sehun had texted him that there’s no night adventure tonight because it’s Tazza night so Baekhyun decided to go and watch him perform instead.   
  
He had taken a little time to dress up, wearing his best pair of jeans and a navy blue sweater. He even applied a little eyeliner on his lids, which if his father ever find out it would earn him an ugly sneer and a month worth of insults that would do serious damage to his soul.  
  
Thinking of that, he applied his eyeliner more aggressively.  
  
Tazza is packed. There are more people here than the last time Baekhyun visited. There is a group of girls claiming a table in front of the stage, the one with the perfect view to the stage, and Baekhyun thinks of what Jongdae said about Exodus being popular and has its own groupies. Groupies, Jesus.  
  
The stage is still empty. A country song is playing and Baekhyun really feel like he’s in a southern bar.  
  
Baekhyun sits far on the left. It’s the only seat near the stage that’s empty. He knows what to order now: chicken tostadas, and according to the waitress who took his order it tastes divine.  
  
He feels nervous. It may be because of the eyeliner. Now he feels a little silly about wearing it. He had wear eyeliner before but never in public. There was one time when he was sixteen and he bravely sneaked into a gay bar in the nearest big town. Baekhyun had wear eyeliner and the guy he met there, Kris, said that he looked hot. It was the first time he felt really good about himself, since then he always itched to wear it again. But make up on a guy didn’t really match his father’s tough guy principle.  
  
He almost finished his chicken tostadas when Exodus walks into the stage. His gaze immediately searches for Sehun. He is there, walking slowly in a pair of the tightest jeans Baekhyun had ever seen and graphic tee. Baekhyun unconsciously holds his breath.  
  
Kyungsoo opens it with his usual band introduction and they launch into their first song. Another rock ballad of course, Guns N Roses’ November Rain. In his mind his surrounding is blurring together into a black and white movie except for Sehun. Sehun is in the fiercest color. His dark hair shines, his pale skin so bright and his pink lips is the most beautiful shade of rose. Baekhyun should be ashamed for thinking the last line, but he doesn’t. When it comes to Sehun his thoughts are worse than Shakespeare when he wrote Romeo and Juliet.  
  
Baekhyun stares at Sehun with the ferocity of a hunger man spying on his first hunt. When the song ends, Sehun looks up from his guitar and his eyes sweep the crowd. Baekhyun bites his lip. His mind chanting: look at me, look at me, this way. But Sehun doesn’t. He only sweeps his gaze towards Baekhyun’s way without really seeing it. Baekhyun’s heart deflates and he laughs at himself.  
  
Kyungsoo is talking to the audience, occasionally humoring the eager groupies by throwing a small smile. Baekhyun doesn’t really hear what he’s saying because he’s too busy staring at Sehun. Sehun, who is currently smiling and waving his hand lightly in the direction opposite of Baekhyun’s table. Out of reflex, Baekhyun follows his gaze.  
  
There is a girl, a familiar girl sitting on a table with a man around his father’s age beside her. Baekhyun frowns. The girl is the waitress from Cul-de-sac who was there on the second day he met Sehun. Sehun had introduced them but Baekhyun can’t remember her name. She is smiling so wide, even from his place Baekhyun could see the smile is threatening to swallow her face. She waves back at Sehun in this flirty jazz hands way and Baekhyun feels stupid for feeling a sharp twinge in his chest.  
  
When Baekhyun looks back at the stage again Sehun is already turning back to his guitar and the second song starts. No more black and white movie. They are all in their usual ordinary color.  
  
Baekhyun can’t help but keep glancing back and forth between the girl and Sehun, hoping to glimpse probably more little waves and huge smiles. But Sehun’s attention is fully on his guitar and the girl is the only one who smiles. It’s stupid too feel jealous over this, if what Baekhyun feels is jealousy. She is Sehun’s friend, probably best friend. And best friends are allowed to share small wave and jazz hands wave, smiling at each other from across the stage. Baekhyun licks his suddenly dry lips.  
  
During this time, when the second song is over Sehun finally glances up his way. Sehun stills and freezes in his place when their gaze locked. This is not what Baekhyun was expected. Maybe he wanted Sehun to be a little surprise to find him in the middle of the crowd. But he hoped it soon going to be followed by his half moon smile or smug smirk. But he does neither. Sehun just stares at him for a full minute. Baekhyun feels overly conscious of himself. When Sehun’s gaze doesn’t waver, Baekhyun gives him a tiny tentative timid smile. And Sehun doesn’t reply his smile. Instead, he turns his head so fast, looks down and clenches his guitar.  
  
Baekhyun isn’t sure it was actually happened. Maybe he imagined it. Maybe Sehun wasn’t really looked at him. Maybe Sehun was staring blankly in his direction, daydreaming, a reverie. Maybe that was all only happened in Baekhyun’s head.  Because Sehun did not just ignore him.  
  
He doesn’t look at Baekhyun’s way again for the entire last song and Baekhyun feels all kind of stupid in his best pair of jeans and eyeliner.  
  
“Thank you everyone good night. Remember every Thursday. We are Exodus.” Kyungsoo bellows and Baekhyun knows he has to leave. Go back to his apartment. Have a cold shower in a cold night. Sleep. Even though he can’t, just sleep. Because Sehun and his band members are walking to the girl’s table. The drummer shoots a charming grin towards the groupies when they pass them. The vocalist is high fiving the man. The man clasps him in the back as a reply. And Sehun. Sehun is engulfed into the girl’s hug. They are far enough that Baekhyun couldn’t see Sehun’s face clearly, but he could see Sehun is patting the girl’s back. Pat, pat, pat. Like Baekbom. Pat, pat, pat, it’s okay Baekhyun.  
  
There is gravel in Baekhyun’s throat, he tries to swallow it but he is not sure it’s actually there.  
  
He has to leave. He has to leave but to reach the door Baekhyun has to pass Sehun’s table. The girl is currently talking animatedly and the man, the guys are laughing at her. Baekhyun doesn’t know if Sehun is also laughing because he is sitting with his back facing Baekhyun. No, Baekhyun doesn’t think he does it on purpose. Sehun doesn’t show any indication that he knows Baekhyun is there, that Baekhyun is staring like an idiot at the back of his head.  
  
Baekhyun needs to leave before he combusts into tiny shreds of glass.  
  
A waiter walks past in front of him and Baekhyun stops him asking for his bills. He pays and the waiter smiles at him. Baekhyun smiles back at him in what he hopes a genuine smile because he can’t quite feels his face.  
  
He gets up from his chair and walks, ducking his head and staring at his cuffed sneakers. His feet are stiff and nerves tightening his stomach. The closer he is to Sehun’s table the harder it is for him to take another step. He knows he is close to it when he could hear bits and pieces of their conversation. The vocalist’s voice sounds familiar in the midst of cacophony of foreign voices.  
  
“If on that summer I didn’t hire you son..” an adult voice says.  
  
“He probably had to mooch from all of his older girlfriends...” a feminine voice replies.  
  
“Hey!” and great gusts of laughter exploded into the air.  
  
Baekhyun is right beside their table now. He could hear their laughter clearer, louder and he represses the urge to razor through everything and get inside his car.  
  
“Remember how Sehun convinced your mom?”  
  
At the sound of Sehun’s name Baekhyun jolts and he unintentionally bumps someone who is walking beside him.  
  
“Dude watch it!” Baekhyun looks up and a guy is currently glaring at him.  
  
“I’m sorry.” He mumbles. The guy sneers at him before walking again.  
  
Baekhyun hastily walks to the door. When he turns around to avoid a bunch of teenagers entering the bar, Baekhyun caught Sehun’s gaze. Sehun’s eyes are hard, his gaze unflinching. Baekhyun’s pulse is racing and his blood pounding, but he stares back at Sehun daring him to do something. There is a flickering of emotion in Sehun’s face before he shut it and covers it with a nonchalant almost bored expression. He looks down at his food, the hand that clutching his spoon tremble.  
  
Baekhyun’s heart is freefalling to his feet without a lifeline. He slips out of the door, squeezing past a couple who’s in a heated argument.  
  
The harsh white of streetlight momentarily blinds him and Baekhyun blinks. Blinks. Blinks. His eyes water.  
  
He is confused and hurt.  
  
Why did Sehun act like he didn’t know Baekhyun? What had he done wrong?  
  
He thinks of pretty waitress girl hugging Sehun and Sehun patting her back. Pretty waitress girl hugging Sehun and Sehun patting her back. Pretty waitress girl hugging Sehun and Sehun patting her back.  
  
Baekhyun wipes his eyeliner roughly. That guy wasn’t Sehun. That guy wasn’t Sehun who quoted poem, sang him his favorite songs, and lay beside him under the stars on the back of his truck.  
  
It’s just too painful to admit that that guy is really Sehun.  
  
\---

  


  


  


  


Sehun doesn’t text him that day, or the next day, or the day after the next day. The town is so quiet at night.  
  
This whole situation reminds him of the nights after Luhan’s funeral where he became the invisible boy. His house for the most part was empty. And honestly Baekhyun liked it that way. Loneliness was his only constant company and Baekhyun welcomed it like an old friend.  
  
When the emptiness was too hard to bear, Baekhyun would read. He would read and read and read and somehow thinking that if he just read a lot of books he would get sucked into their world, to be in a different life, to have a different friend, to have different family. And that started his obsession with books, feeling pathetically sad when it was over that he would make thousand ways to continue it in his mind.  
  
He much preferred all of that though compare to the days where his parents were home. He was sick watching his mom stared blankly at the wall, he was sick listening to Baekbom crying in the other room blaming himself of what happened and he was so so sick listening to his father cursing, yelling at the town people who blamed Baekbom of what happened. His house was a coffin where there were four dead bodies squeezed inside.  
  
The only time there was a spark of life in his parents’ eyes was whenever Baekbom stopped crying and sitting with them on the dining table. During this time when Baekbom lost his football scholarship, his father changed. He became worse. Knowing that Baekbom was a lost case, that he couldn’t make his dream came true through Baekbom, he turned to Baekhyun. He tried to mold Baekhyun to be the person that he was not. And the nights full of insults and disappointed glare begin.  
  
Every dinner his father would start lecturing (insulting) him while Baekbom and his mother watched. But then Baekbom gained back his football spirit and his father had been so ecstatic. He thought that his father finally would get off his back, and he did. He stopped bugging Baekhyun, in fact he stopped care altogether. His final parting words were: “I wish I only have one son. I wish I refused your mom when she asked me for a second child.”  
  
And Baekhyun was an invisible walking dead body.  
  
And now, being ignored by Sehun, it brings all the hurt and confusion back again. At least with his father he knew that he is the unwanted son. But with the sudden change in Sehun, he doesn’t understand.  
  
They only know each other for a month now, but Baekhyun feels something more, something important going on between them. But with Sehun ignoring him he’s afraid he’s the only who feels it.  
  
\---  
  
  
It’s 4 days, 21 hours, 32 minutes after the night in Tazza when Sehun texts him again.  
  
Baekhyun had been lying on his bed with a book in his hand when his phone vibrated. He wasn’t reading, he was battling with the thoughts that swirling in his head like how he used to during his insomniac nights.  
  
Baekhyun grabs his phone from the bedside table and stares at Sehun’s name flashing on his screen. He lets his phone continue to vibrate. Baekhyun contemplates to ignore it. Ignore it like how Sehun had been ignoring Baekhyun. As if all those nights going out with him don’t matter, as if all the things that they had shared don’t weight a thing. After all the hurt and confusion dwindled into a dull throb of pain gnawing his chest, Baekhyun felt angry. Angry because he didn’t understand what happened and angry because Sehun was leading him to believe that they had something. And Baekhyun took that something seriously.  
  
The screen of his phone dimmed, the call left unanswered.  
  
Baekhyun lets out a weary sigh and lets his phone falls to his bed. He turns sideways and curls into a ball. This is what he wanted when he came into this town. A solitude. He doesn’t need a friend, he doesn’t need a companion, he only needs himself; he keeps telling himself. This is what he wants.  
  
His phone vibrates again once signaling a message. Baekhyun stares at it, immobile. After awhile it vibrates again.  
  
Baekhyun relents and grabs it. The messages are from Sehun.  
  
The first message: I’m outside your apartment. I need to talk to you.  
  
The second message: Please Baekhyun  
  
Baekhyun bites his lip, thinking. He needs explanation. He needs something to justify Sehun’s action. It’s stupid and pathetic but he misses him. A little more than a lot.  
  
Baekhyun grabs his jacket and walks outside. He shivers against the cold air and tighten his hold in his jacket. He immediately stops at the last step. Sehun’s truck is parked in his usual place. It’s easy to pretend like it’s just another night of their adventure. It’s easy to pretend like nothing changed and they’re just meeting here for the night adventure routine. It’s easy but he can’t. Baekhyun sucks in a deep frigid air and heads to the car.  
  
He opens the door to the passenger seat, vaguely thinking about how many times he opens the door with a giddy almost childish excitement at the thought of seeing Sehun, and climbs inside the truck.  
  
The first thing he realizes is how distraught Sehun looks. His hair is sticking to every direction looking as if he had trying to pull it out of his head, his eyes red rimmed, and there are dark circle under his eyes. Sehun is staring at Baekhyun with something akin to desperation that Baekhyun couldn’t quite comprehend.  
  
Baekhyun thaws. “Sehun..what happened?”  
  
“I’m sorry.” Sehun blurts. “I’m sorry I acted like I didn’t know you in Tazza. I’m so sorry Baekhyun.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“I was so surprised seeing you there. I didn’t know what to think—“  
  
“But Sehun why? I was just there, I didn’t do anything. I don’t understand.”  
  
Sehun’s face contorts in pain and Baekhyun’s heart twist in his chest. “My uncle was there.” Sehun says. “Remember when I told you that my father is..strict?” Baekhyun nods carefully. Sehun takes a deep breath and continue in flat tone, “One summer when I was thirteen my father had his friend and his son coming to my house. His son’s name was Tao and he was my age. Tao was handsome, charming and funny, all I wanted to do during that summer was to get closer to him. And we did. We had the same taste in music, in movies, and he was probably one of the coolest persons I had ever known. Soon I realize my admiration turned into attraction. It was so weird. I knew it was wrong to feel like that. One night Tao came into my room and h-he...he was attracted to me in that way too. He came into my room every night since then.” Sehun covers his face with his hands and rubs it. When he speaks again, his voice muffled. “My dad caught us naked on my bed.” Baekhyun gasps and covers his mouth. Sehun runs his hands through his hair and smiles bitterly at Baekhyun. “You should’ve seen him that time. He yelled, kicking and cursing telling his friend to get his faggot son out of his house and he marched to me. Beating me like a punching bag.”  
  
“Sehun..”  
  
“The scar on my forehead that I told you it’s because I fell off my bike? I lied. It because my father bump my head in the corner of a table.”  
  
“You don’t have to continue—“  
  
Sehun shakes his head. “The thing is Baekhyun, I was so scared, I guess I am still. I begged my father to stop and he didn’t, he just kept punching me, and I kept screamed and screamed until he finally took a pity of me. My father is an important person in my town, he couldn’t risk having people knowing his son is gay so he kicked me to my uncle. He said he would give me another chance. He told me that I should change and his brother would keep an eye on me, that I only could get back home after my gay disease is cured, and he would take me back again, get me into a good college and make me the son he wanted.”  
  
Sehun’s face is bare with invisible scars. Baekhyun’s vision blurred and he realizes that he’s crying, his heart cracks and the content spilled to the car floor.  
  
“My uncle notices something is wrong with me lately.” Sehun swallows. “He kept asking me why I always gone at night. I told him I had a lot of jobs and he didn’t buy it, so I knew I had to do something. I invited him to Tazza and I invited Soojung. My uncle believed I have something going on with Soojung.”  
  
Baekhyun’s cracked heart cracks again into tiny countless pieces.  
  
“I have to play my role. I can’t have my uncle sending me back to my father. I can’t, I’m sorry Baekhyun. We have to stop seeing each other for awhile, I need to gain my uncle’s trust again. I’m sorry.” Sehun buries his face in his hands and his shoulders shake.  
  
Baekhyun watches him numbly. He’d never seen anyone breaking down like that. Even when his father’s I wish I only have one son, I wish I refused your mom when she asked me for a second child, Baekhyun had only staring at him, only letting himself cried after the house was empty, alone on the cold bathroom floor.  
  
“Okay.” Baekhyun rasps. His voice sounds foreign even in his own ears.  
  
“Baekhyun?”  
  
“I won’t see you again Sehun. I’m not going to Tazza, or Cul-de-sac so you don’t have to worry about bumping into me.” Baekhyun was an invisible walking dead body. Baekhyun is an invisible walking dead body.  
  
Sehun’s face crumpled again and he slams the steering wheel, cursing. “I wish things could be easier.”  
  
“I like you Sehun.” Baekhyun confesses. Sehun looks up at him with wide wild eyes. “I’m more than like you. But I’m not going to hide myself for you. I understand why you can’t come out. What your father did to you was horrible and he deserved to burn in hell. But I can’t hide myself anymore, I spent all my life hiding and I had decided I won’t. I don’t care what people say anymore, I don’t care if they judge me, curse me for who I am. I’m tired hiding under my skin, so I won’t.”  
  
Sehun is quiet. He stares at Baekhyun in muted panic. Baekhyun wants to hug him. He wants to hug him so bad his heart ache. He wants to soothe the furrow in his eyebrows, kiss those dark circles and comb his hair softly, gently with his fingers.  
  
“Luhan.” Baekhyun croaks out. Sehun’s brow furrow deeper. Baekhyun clears his throat. “There is this kid named Luhan in my old town. He was smart and really nice. But he was gay.” Sehun winces and Baekhyun ignores it. “People were giving him a lot of crap, especially in school. Scarily no one helped him, not even me. I probably should’ve done something, but I didn’t. I was too afraid that my father would find out about me. Funny thing is my brother was one of his biggest bullies in high school. I couldn’t even tell you what the horrible things he and his friends did to him. One night after a football game they jumped at him. Luhan was walking alone and they just jumped at him. Luhan was hospitalized and he suffered from PTSD after it. He fell into a deep depression and he killed himself soon after.” Sehun looks lost and Baekhyun fights the urge to envelop him in the warmest hug he could give. He takes Sehun’s hand instead. Sehun stares at his hand in wonder and Baekhyun squeezes it.  
  
“The thing is Sehun people would always try to change you. They would always try to turn you into something different but you can’t, we can’t. We’re not suffering from a disease and we’re not broken, we’re just us. I hope you won’t let your father try to change you.”  
  
Baekhyun cups Sehun’s cheek with a trembling hand and Sehun leans into his touch seeking warmth. “You’re special. You’re one of the kindest persons I’ve ever met and I know you are stronger than this.” Baekhyun leans over and plants a soft kiss on Sehun’s lips. Sehun lets out a shaky breath and Baekhyun lingers savoring it.  
  
“Goodnight Sehun.” Baekhyun whispers. He opens the door and gets out of the truck. He walks fast to his apartment not allowing himself a chance to back down, opens the truck’s door and kisses Sehun senseless.  
  
There is a dagger in his chest and it keeps twisting and twisting making him bleeds.  
  
He wipes the tears on his cheek harshly and swallows his sob remembering Sehun’s wild eyes and terrified face.  
  
\---  
  
  
It’s raining. Drizzle.  
  
Baekhyun spends hours cleaning his apartment. He scrubs every hidden corner in his bathroom, changes his sheet, wipes all the windows (although they soon would get dirty again from the rain), mopes the floor, does all the dishes, and by the time he’s done he’s panting harshly and his hands are stinging red.  
  
He lies on the floor trying to catch his breath. Inhales. Exhales. It’s weird how now his cramped apartment feels so huge and empty.  
  
He’s hungry. He knows he has to get up, heat up the food he got from Jongdae’s mom, but his limbs are too heavy. Baekhyun curls on the floor trying to sleep although his mind is very much awake.  
  
  
  
“You look like someone just died.” Jongdae says. He pulls out the earphone in Baekhyun’s left ear and puts it in his ear. “The Smith’s Asleep. Right. What’s the matter?”  
  
Baekhyun lets out a long suffering sigh. “Can I come to your home for dinner?” He asks instead.  
  
“Sure.” Jongdae shrugs. “I have some new dvds too maybe we could watch them after dinner or something.”  
  
“Cool.”  
  
Jongdae is studying Baekhyun in a way that makes him shift uncomfortably in his chair. “Are you really okay?” Jongdae asks, brows furrowed in concern.  
  
“Yeah.” Baekhyun gives him a small smile. “I’m okay.”  
  
Jongdae is still studying him so Baekhyun takes off his earphones and pretend to be immersed in his spaghetti.  
  
  
  
  
Dinner went well. He was glad he didn’t have to contribute to any of the conversation because Jongdae’s parents were too excited planning for Thanksgiving dinner.  
  
He can’t believe it’s almost Thanksgiving. He doesn’t pay attention to calendar, he doesn’t pay attention to anything really. Thanksgiving was big in his family. It was one of the moments where his mother was actually excited about cooking. They would invite friends, relatives and had a big feast in their old rickety wooden dining table. It was crowded and stifling. Baekhyun had to sit straight in his chair forcing himself to participate in a conversation he didn’t have the slightest idea what it was about. His cousins would take turn telling stories about their school, their magnificent sport career, their amazing martial arts skill and Baekhyun had to pretend to go to toilet whenever his turn came. His father would always so delighted when people paid compliment to Baekbom, clapping him on his back, smiling proudly and sharp, sharp glasses of envy pierced Baekhyun in every part of his body. What would he give to be the receiving end of his father’s proud smile. He always thought it was cruel how children are naturally starving for their parents’ approval.  
  
“So I have a war movie and a fantasy one which one would you choose?”  
  
“Whatever it is that doesn’t have any gay characters in it.” Baekhyun replies. Jongdae looks at him weirdly but otherwise doesn’t say anything. He pops the war movie into his laptop and grabs the popcorn.  
  
They are in Jongdae’s bedroom, sitting side by side on top of the carpeted floor. The movie starts and Baekhyun tries to focus his attention to it, but his thoughts are in different alternative universes that he can’t reach. He spends the first thirty minutes of the movie staring blankly at Jongdae’s laptop screen while eating half of the popcorn by himself. Until Jongdae finally turns to him and says, “you’re not really feeling this war movie are you?”  
  
“I’m sorry.” Baekhyun says, smiling apologetically at Jongdae.  
  
Jongdae sighs. “Well it’s kind of lame anyway. With the repetitive plot and too much angry soldiers.”  
  
“It’s a war movie.” Baekhyun says flatly. Jongdae shrugs. He close his laptop and moves to lie on his bed.  
  
“Have you written that philosophy essay?” Jongdae asks, voice muffled by his pillow.  
  
“Not yet.”  
  
“You know professor Lee is starting to worry that you consciously neglecting all of your home works.”  
  
Baekhyun licks his lips. It’s his other problem. He really starts to lose interest in his education. “I know.”  
  
Jongdae rolls on his bed to face him. “If you had a lot of money at the time you decided to leave your town, would you pick this town?”  
Baekhyun takes a deep breath, thinking it over. “Probably no. I would probably pick a big city.” He thinks of Jongdae’s brother. “Like New York.”  
  
“So why don’t you? I mean you could save up here, get a job and leave Baekhyun.” It sounds painfully familiar like what Sehun said to him and Baekhyun clenches his hands.  
  
“Because it would be just the same.” Baekhyun whispers.  
  
“What?”  
  
“I will still be alone.” Admitting it out loud is scary. Baekhyun gulps, finally saying to someone his biggest fear.  
  
“Baekhyun..”  
  
“I keep saying to myself that it’s what I want but deep down I know it’s not. I’m afraid of loneliness. I’m afraid being alone.”  
  
Jongdae is quiet. Baekhyun hears what he said being repeated again and again by his mind. He is afraid of loneliness. He is afraid being alone. And realizes with a sink in his stomach that he always alone.  
  
“I’m afraid of feeling trapped.” Jongdae says after a long silence. “I’m such a hypocrite telling you that you can leave this town like it’s easy when I can’t even do it though it’s the thing that I want the most. This town makes me feel trapped.”  
  
“Why don’t you?” Baekhyun asks, repeating what Jongdae said to him.  
  
“My parents.” Jongdae answers. “They are not the same after what happened to my brother. They are sad. A lot of their friends abandoned them and some people are really nasty to them. And my mom cried for weeks after my brother left, and I don’t want to subject her into that again.”  
  
“It’ll be nice if all people could be more accepting don’t you think?”  
  
“Yeah.” Jongdae sighs. “Yeah it will.”  
  
  
  
  
He wants to stay longer in Jongdae’s house, basking in the friendliness of his parents, but after their deep talk Baekhyun knows Jongdae needs a moment for himself.  
  
He hates going back to his apartment. Just like he hated going back to his empty house. And it registers to him that he never actually has a place to call home and that makes him really sad.  
  
He slips into his bed, not bothering to change, not bothering to take off his shoes, he feels so tired.  
  
He thinks about, “I’m sorry Baekhyun. We have to stop seeing each other for awhile, I need to gain my uncle’s trust again. I’m sorry.”  
  
He thinks about, “I wish I only have one son. I wish I refused your mom when she asked me for a second child.”  
  
He thinks about, “Look at your brother.”  
  
He thinks about, “Oh that kid is nothing like his brother.”  
  
He thinks about, “writing is stupid and a complete waste of time son, you think you would graduate from high school, writing and be rich? I don’t think so.”  
  
He thinks about, “My uncle believed I have something going on with Soojung.”  
  
He thinks about, “I’m afraid of feeling trapped.”  
  
He thinks about, “I’m afraid of loneliness. I’m afraid being alone.”  
  
And he wants to yell to his mind to stop, stop replaying them. Shut up! I remember everything! Shut up!  
  
He wants to bang his head to the wall, takes out his brain and throws it far far away from him.  
  
Pat, pat, pat, it’s okay Baekhyun.

  


  


  


  


  


Baekhyun spends a lot of evenings with Jongdae and a lot of nights lying on the floor in his small living room.  
  
He tries to read his books but lately he finds it hard to concentrate on them. He can’t relate to the characters. He can’t relate to Ivan, he can’t relate to Heathcliff, he can’t relate to Agnes because they’re all straight and Baekhyun can’t relate to straight people right now.  
  
When he told Jongdae this, he lent Baekhyun the first three of books of The Song of Ice and Fire series, said to him that he would love Loras Tyrell.  Baekhyun was intimidated by the thickness of the books he chose instead to marathon the tv series (simultaneously repressing memory of Sehun saying he much prefer movies than books).  
  
So he spends most of his insomniac nights watching season after season. Loras tyrell is hot. And his relationship with Renly Baratheon is cute and full of dramas. Even when Renly got married their relationship is still going strong. But then of course Renly died and Loras goes berserk.  
  
Baekhyun was busy wiping his tears out of his face when there’s a knocking sound on his door.  
  
He pause his laptop and walks to the door. He frowns, he never had a visitor before, not even Jongdae. Baekhyun cautiously opens the door. Who he sees before him makes his heart twists in his chest.  
  
Sehun is standing in front of him. His head ducked and his hoodie is pulled over covering half of his face. His hands shoved inside his jeans pocket.  
  
“Sehun..what..?”  
  
Sehun looks up and Baekhyun gasps in mortification.  
  
“Shit..Sehun..” Sehun’s face is covered in nasty bruises. There is a cut in his lower lip and blood still dripping from the corner of his lips.  
  
“What—“  
  
“Can I come in please Baekhyun?” Sehun whispers. Numbly, Baekhyun moves aside making a way for Sehun. Sehun walks inside and closes the door. Baekhyun is still staring at Sehun’s face, mouth agape in shock.  
  
“Sehun, your face..” Sehun cuts him by pulling him into a tight hug. Baekhyun instinctively stiffens. Sehun’s entire body shakes and he clings to Baekhyun like a lifeline. He fists the back of Baekhyun’s t-shirt and pulls him closer and closer to him. Sehun’s harsh breath fans Baekhyun’s neck--he breathes heavily in short little puffs.  
  
“Sehun, what’s going on? What happened to your face?” Baekhyun says almost hysterical.  
  
Sehun takes a deep shuddering breath. “I went home and told my dad that I can’t be cured. I’m gay and there’s nothing he can do to change it. He told me to get lost and my uncle kicked me out of his house.”  
  
“God.” Baekhyun breathes. “Oh my god Sehun.” He clutches Sehun’s sleeves needing something to hang on. “It’s my fault.” Baekhyun says mortified. “I said those things to you—I never meant it to be—“  
  
“No.” Sehun pulls back and cups Baekhyun’s face in his hands. Baekhyun grimaces at the sight of his swollen eyes and his purplish-yellow cheekbone. “It’s not your fault Baekhyun don’t ever think that. In fact you help me. I don’t know until when I’m going to keep pretending that everything is alright, that—that I could go back home bringing a fake girlfriend to my dad and asking him to accept me. It’s impossible and I know I c-can’t.”  
  
Baekhyun raises a trembling hand and graze Sehun’s cheek. Even his light touch makes him wince. Baekhyun feels sick. He wants to murder Sehun’s father. He wants to make him suffer from hurting Sehun.  
  
“We need to clean you up. Is the rest of your body okay? Did he b-beat you anywhere else?” Baekhyun releases his hold on Sehun and looks at him up and down in worry.  
  
“He did worse than this before. Don’t worry.” Sehun smiles and winces because the cut in his lips sting. Baekhyun swallows his sobs.  
  
“I’m going to get my medical kit, can you wait in my room?”  
  
Sehun nods and walks in slow steps towards Baekhyun’s room. Baekhyun heads to the kitchen and takes out his medical kit and a clean towel. He wets the towel, noticing how badly his hands shake. Baekhyun closes his eyes and takes a few calming breath to compose himself before he walks to his room.  
  
Sehun is sitting on his bed looking lost and confuse. His cuts and bruises look worse under the harsh white light. He turns his head when Baekhyun walks in, giving him a small timid smile.  
  
“I’m sorry I just barged into your apartment.” He says, looking almost shy. Baekhyun wants to tackle him into a hug and never let go.  
  
He shakes his head and whispers, “it’s okay.” Baekhyun places the medical kit on the bedside table and sits beside Sehun. “Tell me if it hurts.” He dabs the wet towel gently against various cuts, scrapes and bruises on Sehun’s face. Sehun doesn’t flinch, he doesn’t even bat his eyes. He stares at Baekhyun, letting him treat his wound in silence.  
  
Baekhyun’s heart lodged in his throat. He wipes the blood in Sehun’s lips softly, carefully, afraid his touch would hurt him more.  
  
“You have a pair of really pretty eyes.” Sehun whispers. Baekhyun wants to laugh at the cheesy line but he cries instead. Tears fall freely from his eyes.  
  
“Ssh Baekhyun..” Sehun frantically wipes his tears from his face. “It’s alright, Baekhyun I’m alright.”  
  
He feels stupid being comforted when Sehun is the one who covered in bruises. “I’m sorry.” He chokes out.  
  
“No, hey, I’m the one who should say sorry.” Sehun brushes Baekhyun’s tears with his thumb and holds it there. “I’m sorry I ignored you in Tazza and I’m sorry I told you I couldn’t see you again after that. I’m sorry I hurt you. I wish I could take it back because seeing that hurt in your face, knowing that I’m the one who puts it there--” Sehun shakes his head.  
  
Baekhyun sniffles. He holds Sehun’s face in his hands and kisses his chin softly, the only place that doesn’t covered in cuts and bruises. Sehun exhales a shaky breath.  
  
“We should ice your bruises.” He says, caressing Sehun’s bruised cheek with the tip of his fingers. “I have some ibuprofen too.”  
  
“Okay.” Sehun whispers. He grabs Baekhyun’s hand and squeezes it. “Okay.”  
  
  
  
It’s raining during midnight but Baekhyun feels warm.  
  
Sehun is sitting between his knees, his head on Baekhyun’s chest, he is half asleep. Baekhyun is leaning on the headboard stroking Sehun’s hair in the same rhythm of the rain hitting the pavement outside.  
  
“I miss you a lot.” Sehun murmurs, voice laced with sleep.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I kept thinking about you. All those nights we spent together. I spent nights replaying our times together. I miss you a lot.” Baekhyun leans down to plant a soft kiss on Sehun’s forehead and Sehun lets out a content sigh. Smiling, Baekhyun continues to stroke Sehun’s hair, lulling him to sleep.  
  
It’s been so long since he feels this warm, this whole, this complete. With Sehun close to him, his body heat filling every gap in Baekhyun’s heart, he doesn’t feel alone anymore. He doesn’t know what alone is. He doesn’t understand what alone feels like.  
  
Sehun suddenly stiffens and Baekhyun pause his hand mid-air.  
  
“I have to leave soon.” Sehun says, voice cracking. “I can’t stay in this town anymore. My father and my uncle would find me and..”  
  
Baekhyun knows it would come to this. He knows Sehun has to leave but he doesn’t want to think about it now. He doesn’t want to think anything except Sehun and him and Sehun and him and the rain.  
  
He wraps Sehun in his arms and buries his face in the crook of Sehun’s neck. “We can think about everything tomorrow.”  
  
“Tomorrow.” Sehun agrees. He takes Baekhyun’s hand and kisses the inside of his wrist with a feather-light touch.  
  
\---  
  
  
Baekhyun reluctantly slips out of Sehun’s warm embrace in the morning, but he has to go to his class. He wants to skip but his grades are already suffering. Sehun is still asleep, snoring lightly.  
  
Baekhyun covers him in blanket and leaves two pills of ibuprofen on his bedside table along with a tall glass of water.  
  
He is late for his English 101 class. Professor Kim glares at him as Baekhyun sneaks his way to his chair in the back of the class.  
  
Baekhyun takes out his books half heartedly and spaces out almost the entire of the class.  
  
When it’s over Professor Kim calls him over. Baekhyun gulps. He knows he screws up. He thinks of the C he got from his last assignment and winces.  
  
“Baekhyun.” Professor Kim begins in a stern voice. “Why I have the feeling that you’re not trying at all in my class? Your grades are really low, I told you this before but I don’t see you trying to improve it.”  
  
Baekhyun bites his lips. “I’m sorry professor.”  
  
“Can you please try harder? There’s going to be a quiz next week and I want to see you tried.”  
  
“Okay. Thank you professor. Good afternoon.”  
  
“Good afternoon Baekhyun.”  
  
He walks out of his class with slumped shoulders, thinking and rethinking how he doesn’t give a crap about the quiz.  
  
He sits in a jittery mess for the rest of his classes. At lunch Jongdae had looked at him weirdly and Baekhyun doesn’t care. He can’t wait to get home to Sehun. Home. Yes, home to Sehun.  
  
  
When he opens the door to his apartment he finds Sehun in his tiny kitchen stirring something in a pot.  
  
“What are you doing?” He asks, closing the door behind him and walks to Sehun.  
  
Sehun turns his head and smiles sheepishly at Baekhyun. “I’m trying to cook dinner for you but I don’t think I’m really doing a good job at it.”  
  
Baekhyun peeks inside the pot, bites his smile at the sight of thick liquid sprinkled with tiny cuts of potatos and macaronis.  
  
“Just what are you trying to cook?”  
  
“A chicken soup. But I couldn’t find the chicken, any vegetables and spices.”  
  
“I’m almost afraid to ask what you threw in there.” Baekhyun smiles at Sehun. His smile wavers at the sight of Sehun’s face. His bruises turn yellow and the cut in his lips look better, but his left eye still swollen. Sehun notices Baekhyun is studying his face and he wraps his hands around Baekhyun’s waist pulling him closer.  
  
“Your ribs still hurt?” Baekhyun asks.  
  
“No.” Sehun answers, nuzzling his face in Baekhyun’s neck. “So I borrowed your t-shirt I hope you don’t mind.”  
  
Baekhyun only realizes that now. His ninja turtle t-shirt look so much better on Sehun. “I don’t mind. Wear anything you want in my closet.”  
  
“So I guess it’s safe to say that dinner is energy bars?” Sehun releases him and points at the disaster inside the pot with a grimace.  
  
“I actually have a box of cereal somewhere but I don’t have any milk.” Baekhyun frowns.  
  
“Perfect.” And he kisses the small furrow between Baekhyun’s eyebrows.  
  
Dinner is two big bowls of dry cereals. Baekhyun takes out his small folded table and place it in the middle of his living room.  
  
“So how did you find which apartment is mine?”  
  
“I asked a grumpy guy who lives downstairs. I asked him if he knew a Baekhyun and in which room he lives and he said he doesn’t know a Baekhyun, then I describe you, short, skinny, dark hair, long bangs and he pointed your room. Oh and he also told me if I wanted to fight please do it outside. He probably thought I was going to get my revenge after seeing my face. He probably thought you did it. Like your small hands could bruise anyone.”  
  
Baekhyun scoffs and waves his spoon menacingly at Sehun. “You have no idea what my small hands capable of.”  
  
Sehun grins. “Is that an invitation?”  
  
Baekhyun flicks his cereal at him, blushing. “Shut up.”  
  
Sehun laughs and it’s a really nice sound. Baekhyun saves it in his mind to replay it again before he sleeps as a lullaby.  
  
When Baekhyun finishes his cereal, he gets up to put it in the sink but Sehun’s grip on his hand stops him. Baekhyun looks at him, puzzled.  
  
“We need to talk.” Sehun says slowly.  
  
Baekhyun’s breath hitches. For a moment he forgets that Sehun can’t stay in his apartment forever. Sehun will leave this town soon. He can’t stay in this judgmental town where his uncle lives and a chance that his father would find him again pretty high.  
  
Something inside Baekhyun that’s just mended recently breaks again.  
  
“I’m going to sell my truck.” Sehun says.  
  
“What?”  
  
“I need a lot of money and I’m going to leave far, I can’t bring my truck. I left it at Jongin’s I could ask him to—“  
  
“Wait, what do you mean you’re going to leave far? You already know where to go?”  
  
“Not yet.” Sehun shakes his head and he stares at Baekhyun with eyes brimmed with sadness. “But I want to leave this town far, far behind me Baekhyun.”  
  
Sehun is going to leave far. He wants to leave this town far, far behind him. He’s going to leave Baekhyun far, far behind him.  
  
“Your friends..” Baekhyun chokes and he needs to swallow before he goes on, “Do they already know about your plan?”  
  
“I’m not sure about Kyungsoo and Chanyeol but I’m going to tell Jongin everything tomorrow. He is my best friend and he doesn’t even know that I’m..gay. I’m going to need his help with the truck too I—“ He closes his eyes and exhales shakily. “I don’t want to leave you but I-“  
  
“Then don’t.” Baekhyun suddenly says. “Don’t leave me.”  
  
“Baekhyun I can’t stay in this—“  
  
“I’m coming with you.”  
  
“What?!” Sehun widens his eyes and stares at Baekhyun in disbelief. “No! You can’t come with me, Baekhyun I’m not going to let you—“  
  
“You don’t want me?” Baekhyun wants to drown in a sea full of sharks. His stomach sinks to his feet and he feels nauseated.  
  
“I don’t want you?!” Sehun sputters. “Baekhyun I want you to come with me so bad but I can’t just snatch you from your life! You have your college here and I—I don’t even know where to go. I could end up living under a bridge somewhere in a big city and I’m not going to let you waste your life for that! For me!”  
  
“What life Sehun?!” Baekhyun barks suddenly angry. “What life do I have here beside some college that I don’t even give a shit about anymore?!”  
  
“What—“  
  
“I don’t have a life! I don’t have anyone don’t you see? I’m alone! And if you leave me here I would be totally alone and I can’t bear with that.” Baekhyun chokes and he struggles to swallow back his sob.  
  
“I don’t want to drag you into my mess.” Sehun whispers, defeated. He looks worn out. The adult aura that always surrounds him shows in every lines of his face.  
  
Baekhyun sucks in a deep breath. “Do you know what my father said after I told him I’m gay?”  
  
“What?” Sehun asks sounding afraid.  
  
“He said that he knew there’s something wrong with me.”  
  
“Baekhyun..”  
  
“My mother was there, my brother was there and they were just watching as my father telling me that he couldn’t have a faggot for a son, that it’s too much of an embarrassment. He told me to leave the town for college, even given me a lot of money for it, he said: “Pick somewhere far please so you’re not tempted to go back.” Baekhyun grits his teeth. “And when I was about to leave my mother gave me the key to her car. I thought she would say sorry, I thought for the first time in my life she would stand by my side but she just said to me that I couldn’t tell anyone that I’m gay, that people would treat me unkindly because of that, people would track my family and they already had enough problems without me adding more.”  
  
“Fuck, Baekhyun I didn’t know—“  
  
“You see Sehun I picked this town not from months of consideration, I picked it because it’s the furthest from my old town and the college is cheap.”  
  
Sehun moves to sit beside him and pulls him into a hug. Baekhyun slumps inside his hold and lays his head on Sehun’s chest.  
  
“So can I come with you?” He murmurs against the fabric of Sehun’s t-shirt.  
  
“Yes, god yes.” Sehun rasps tightening his hold and Baekhyun inhales, filling his nose with the scent of Sehun. Sehun smells like his soap and cereal and something that’s so Sehun it makes him dizzy. He tilts his head and plants his lips against Sehun’s collarbone.  
  
Sehun slowly rocks him. He is humming softly and his hands playing with the short hair in the back of Baekhyun’s head. Occasionally he leaves small kisses on the crown of Baekhyun’s head and Baekhyun wants to soar at the happiness that swarming his chest. He never lets himself feel overly happy most of the time, happiness is dangerous, happiness would lead into great disappointment. But at that moment he’s willing to let go, taking off all of his guards and bask in the warmth of Sehun and the softness of his lips.  
  
Baekhyun is floating in a light and warm bubble when Sehun asks him something.  
  
“Hmm?” he mumbles dazedly.  
  
“I asked what is your last name Baekhyun?” he could hear the smile in Sehun’s voice and he knows it’s his favorite half crescent moon smile.  
  
“Byun. What is yours?”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Oh Sehun.” He tries it with his tongue and Sehun smiles against his hair.  
  
“What is your favorite food?” Sehun asks again.  
  
Baekhyun chuckles. “I don’t know. I eat anything.”  
  
“What about your favorite color?”  
  
“Blue I guess. Sehun what are you doing?”  
  
“I want to get to know you. I just realized that I don’t know a lot about you.”  
  
“You don’t have to know every little thing about me you know.” Baekhyun looks up and Sehun is frowning at him. Baekhyun smooth it with his fingers.  
  
“But I want to.” Sehun takes Baekhyun’s hand in his hand and kisses it. “Although I have a lot of time to do that I guess.”  
  
Baekhyun thinks all of the time he would get to spend with Sehun. Today, tomorrow and the rest of his life, no more lonely Christmases, no more thanksgivings where he had to hide in the bathroom to avoid his family, and it’s so overwhelming he needs to close his eyes and stops breathing for awhile because all of the organs inside his chest, his heart, his lungs are so full; just a slight intake of oxygen would make them explode.  
  
“You okay?” Sehun sounds worried.  
  
Baekhyun opens his eyes and only breathing again when he starts feeling faint. “Yeah.” He breathes. “Never better.”  
  
They lapse into a tranquil silence again until Sehun calls his name, “Baekhyun?”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“I’m sorry about your father. There is nothing wrong with you. In fact I think you are the closest person I’ve ever met to being perfect.”  
  
Baekhyun is pretty sure his heart and lungs just exploded inside his chest.  
  
\---  
  
“So where do you want to go the most?”  
  
They’re lying side by side on his cold apartment floor staring at the ceiling. their hands are inch apart  and the tip of their fingers barely grazed each other’s.  
  
“I haven’t really thought about it.” Sehun muses. “Where do you want to go the most?”  
  
Baekhyun is thrown back to the day he had the similar conversation with Jongdae. Even now there is only one place that pops out in his mind. “New York?’  
  
Sehun turns facing him. “Any specific reason behind that?”  
  
Baekhyun bites his lips doesn’t know how to explain it.  “Uh do you know Jongdae?”  
  
Sehun is quiet. Baekhyun glances at him and Sehun is frowning at the ceiling. “We went to the same high school.” He finally says. “You know him?”  
  
“We sit together during lunch.” Sehun raises a brow in surprise. Sehun probably thought he doesn’t have any friends in college.  
  
Baekhyun ignores him and goes on, “So you know about his brother then.”  
  
“Yeah. I know.“ Sehun says carefully, face suddenly clouded.  
  
“What’s wrong?”  
  
“I heard what people said about Jongdae’s brother but I don’t really know him. I don’t know Jongdae that well too, but when I heard all the crap the town people said about him I felt wrong. Like it was unfair how they treated him like that when there was me hiding myself like a coward. I kept thinking I should’ve done something but I was afraid.”  
  
Baekhyun sighs. “I understand. I was like that too with Luhan. I had to listen to my brother saying nasty things about him and it felt like it was directed to me, it freaked me out. I avoided Luhan, always pretending not to see him whenever we were in a close proximity. It made me as worse as everyone else in the town and it makes me guilty to this day. I kept thinking that it wasn’t fair for him to be treated like that too while I..”  
  
Sehun holds his hand and squeezes it. “You suffered too.”  
  
“We suffered too. I guess that’s why I really want to move to a new place. A clean state. A new chance. When I heard that Jongdae‘s brother is engaged—“  
  
“He is?” Sehun’s eyes widen.  
  
Baekhyun smiles a toothy smile at him. “Yeah. Yeah he is. That’s why I thought New York would be good you know for us..I mean not that I’m implying that we have to be engaged or anything what I mean is—“  
  
“I understand Baekhyun.” Sehun is grinning then laughs and shaking his head. Fortunately he doesn’t comment about the engaged thing. Baekhyun isn’t sure he is ready for anything except being with Sehun now. Just being with Sehun.  
  
“And there’s Columbia too.” Sehun whispers again, eyes bright with childish excitement. He thinks about that time when Sehun told him about his dreams, college, becoming a lawyer. He finds himself feeling overly excited because Sehun’s bright eyes and giddy smile are infectious.  
  
“Wow we’re really going to move to New York.” Baekhyun laughs.  
  
“Anywhere. As long as I’m with you.” Sehun replies. Baekhyun wants to mock him for being a sap but he doesn’t. Because it’s the truth, it doesn’t have to be New York, it could be anywhere as long as he’s with Sehun it’ll be okay.  
  
  
  
The next day is Sunday.  
  
Sehun had gone early in the morning to Jongin’s house. Baekhyun had told him to be careful and Sehun had assured him that he will.  
  
Last night Baekhyun had decided that he would sell his car too. Sehun had refused but Baekhyun succeed in convincing him that they’re going to need a lot of money. Also the car used to belong to his mother before, Baekhyun much prefer if they don’t have any trace from his past following them to their new place.  
  
Their new place. Baekhyun can’t help the excitement that rushed into his body whenever he and Sehun talk about their new place. All the cheesy words along the line us against the world keep popping up on his mind. It may make him sound foolish but he yearns to be foolish.  
  
There’s only one thing that bothers him. It’s Jongdae. Baekhyun doesn’t expect to feel sad at the thought of leaving Jongdae. Jongdae had been the closest thing he has to best friend this whole time. Although they never declared each other as best friends, in fact they never talked about both of them being friends. But do friends need to declare themselves as friends to become friends? Jongdae is his friend. Therefore Baekhyun owes him a goodbye.  
  
He drives to Jongdae’s house. His last drive in this car. He expects there is a bittersweet feeling when he passes Cul-de-sac, convenience store where Sehun worked, Tazza, the road heading to the stargazing place, but he feels nothing. Maybe from the start he never feels any attachment towards this town. Maybe from the start he doesn’t belong here. Because it’s not the places that make him happy all this time, it’s Sehun. Those places don’t make him feel anything, with Sehun in those places what makes him feel something.  
  
  
  
Jongdae’s house seems empty.  
  
Baekhyun gets out of his car and knock on the white wooden door. There is a rustling sound at the back of the door before it opens showing Jongdae looking rumpled with bed hair and sleepy eyes.  
  
“What are you doing so early in the morning in my house?” Jongdae asks him, squinting to shield his eyes against the bright sunlight.  
  
“Well can I come in?”  
  
Jongdae opens the door wider and Baekhyun walks inside to the empty living room. “Where are your parents?”  
  
“Church.” Jongdae mumbles, closing the door behind him. “So what is it? You better have a good reason for bothering my sleep.”  
  
Baekhyun sits on a recliner near the fireplace. “I’m leaving this town.”  
  
Jongdae is staring blankly at him for a second before he furrows his eyebrows and walks to the couch and sit. “You mean you’re going back to your old town?”  
  
“I’m leaving.” Baekhyun repeats and adds on, “to New York.”  
  
“What?” Jongdae’s eyes widen in surprise. “As in New York New York?”  
  
“Yes, New York New York.”  
  
And Jongdae laughs. “You’re finally realized this town is not exactly for you?”  
  
Baekhyun smiles. “Something like that.”  
  
“So what prompted this? You don’t just wake up one day and decided you want to move to New York.”  
  
“Uh about that. Actually something happened and well..” Baekhyun trails off. Jongdae raises his eyebrows at him. Baekhyun doesn’t know how to tell Jongdae about Sehun because he never mentioned him before. Not that his relationship with Jongdae demanded him to tell him everything about his personal life.  
  
“Just tell me Baekhyun.” Jongdae says flatly.  
  
Baekhyun takes a deep breath and states, “I’m with Sehun.”  
  
“Who?”  
  
“Sehun?”  
  
“Oh Sehun?” Jongdae asks slowly. “You’re with Oh Sehun as in you are together with Oh Sehun as in intimately?”  
  
Baekhyun licks his lips and nods carefully, ignoring the blush that creeps to his cheeks at the word intimate.  
  
“Wow. I don’t even know he swings that way. I don’t even know you know him.”  
  
“Well that’s because he never showed up in our conversations.” Baekhyun mumbles.  
  
Jongdae shakes his head and eyeing Baekhyun warily “You’re moving to New York, Sehun is gay, you and Sehun are fucking each other. Too much things to process on a Sunday morning and I’m still half asleep.”  
  
“We’re not fucking each—“  
  
“I don’t want to know.” Jongdae shouts cutting Baekhyun. “What Sehun had to do with your decision to move to New York anyway?”  
  
Baekhyun bites his lips. His chest tightens recalling Sehun’s bruised face. “Sehun told his father that he’s gay and there’s nothing he can do to change him. Let’s say that his father didn’t take it well.”  
  
“God.” Jongdae breathes out, his gaze turns solemn. “A lot of things happen yesterday huh.”  
  
“Yeah. His uncle kicked him out and he decided he wanted to leave this town for good.”  
  
“That’s awful.” Jongdae shakes his head. “But why New York though?”  
  
“Your brother.” Baekhyun answers simply.  
  
Jongdae gives him this genuine smile that makes Baekhyun’s throat tickle and he has to cough to get rid of it.  
  
“That’s good for you Baekhyun. And for Sehun too I guess. I mean it sucks not having someone to force me reading depressing pretentious books anymore but I’m happy with your decision.”  
  
The tickle in Baekhyun’s throat intensifies and when he speaks again his voice cracks embarrassingly. “Thanks Jongdae.”  
  
Jongdae does his signature awkward head scratch. “Maybe I could call my brother to help you find a place or something.”  
  
Baekhyun looks at him in surprise. “You’d do that?  
”  
“Yeah.” Jongdae nods eagerly. “Of course. I’d be happy to help. I think you deserve this Baekhyun. And at least one of us gets to leave this town.” Jongdae’s smile wavers.  
  
“Maybe you could visit us during Christmas break.” Baekhyun suggests, smiling sadly at Jongdae. “You could stay for a week I don’t mind.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Thanks Baekhyun.” Jongdae grins at him.  
  
And then Jongdae’s parents come home and they insist on throwing Baekhyun a farewell lunch. They are all clustered in Jongdae’s tiny kitchen, cooking. They have their own chores under Jongdae’s mother instructions. Baekhyun never had this with his family before. He wants to pull Jongdae’s aside and thank him for giving him his family too, for letting him being a part of his warm warm family, something that he never felt before. But Jongdae looks at him, noticing his grateful expressions and smiles, nodding his head telling Baekhyun that he understands. Baekhyun nearly bursts into tears. He finally does though when at the end of the lunch Jongdae’s mother give him two homemade quilts, “for your new home” she says, and Baekhyun just cries. Jongdae’s mother engulfs him into a tight hug and Jongdae’s father clasps him on his back telling him good luck.  
  
When he about to get into his car, with his brand new quilts in his arms, Jongdae tells him that he would help he and Sehun pack up things, then he pat him on his back. It’s so different from Baekbom’s pat and Baekhyun decides he likes Jongdae’s ten thousand times better.  
  
___  
  
  
  
“Do you want to bring all of these books?” Jongdae asks him from his crouching down position beside Baekhyun’s bed.  
  
“Yeah, I’m going to pack them soon. Do you want a glass of lemonade?” Baekhyun balances the tray in his hand and hands a glass to Jongdae. Jongdae takes it and shoots him a smile before taking a box from Baekhyun’s bed.  
  
“I’m going to pack them for you, you pack something else.” He states already piling the books into a neat stack.  
  
“Thanks.” Baekhyun grins and Jongdae waves his hand telling him to go. He walks out of his room into the crowded living room.  
  
Chanyeol and Kyungsoo are arguing over which suitcase Sehun should use and Jongin is watching them with sleepy eyes.  
  
“Thanks god.” Jongin sighs when he sees Baekhyun walking towards him with a tray of lemonades. He grabs one and drinks it in big gulps.  
  
“Where is Sehun?” Baekhyun looks around his messy living room, piles of clothes in one corner, one big suitcase in the other.  
  
“Outside. Talking to your landlord. Do you need anything else to help with?”  
  
“Uh nothing. I don’t have much to pack in the first place, why don’t you ask Sehun?” Jongin shrugs an okay and walks outside to find Sehun.  
  
They’re moving tomorrow.  
  
For a week they had been busy taking care of everything: withdrawing from college, Sehun helping Jongin to sell both their car and truck, plane tickets, etc. On Wednesday night Jongdae informed him that his brother had a small empty apartment in Queens, he lived there when he was in college but since he moved in with his fiancé he had been using it as a studio for his paintings. He offered them the apartment which they gladly took. The rent is not that expensive, at least money won’t be a problem until seven months or so and by then they would already have a job. They had been in contact with Jongdae’s brother and his finace, Joonmyun, who is very pleasant and polite.  
  
Jongin, Kyungsoo and Chanyeol came this morning to help them packing. Apparently when Sehun went to Jongin’s house that time, they had been there too. They were mad that Sehun hid it from them, they were mad that Sehun ever thought they wouldn’t accept him for who he is, but more than that they were mad at Sehun’s father and uncle.  
  
They had been helping them since then, along with Jongdae. Sehun is back to his usual self. His friends accepting and helping him are really doing him good. The bruises are still there on his face, faint yellow and purple marks. Baekhyun had spent one night kissing every one of them. Soft and lingering, half wishing his lips could heal those bruises and Sehun had slept while holding Baekhyun tight in his arms after that.  
  
  
It’s surreal how everything falls into place. It’s like they are meant to move to New York together. It’s amazing how this universe works. Baekhyun didn’t think anything when he chose this town, but then he met Sehun and it leads to this. Something that Baekhyun never thought of.

  


  


  


  


“I wish you a good luck Baekhyun and take care of Sehun too.” Jongin smiles shyly at him, faint blush tinted his cheeks. “He could be really childish at times but he is someone that you can totally depend on.”  
  
“Yeah. Of course I will Jongin. Don’t worry.” Baekhyun gives him a reassuring smile. Jongin swings his hand awkwardly and then he clasps Baekhyun’s shoulder. “You are a nice person Baekhyun. I hope you will find what you’re looking for in New York.”  
  
Emotions crawl up his throat and Baekhyun blinks. Blinks. Blinks.  
  
“You’re going to make him cry.” Jongdae suddenly appears beside him. He clasps Baekhyun’s other shoulder and Baekhyun turns his head hiding his blurry eyes.  
  
“I’m sorry Baekhyun.” Jongin says sheepishly. Baekhyun shakes his head and shoots him a wobbly smile. Jongdae snorts at him and Baekhyun elbows him.  
  
“I’m going to find Sehun then.” He waves an adorable wave with both of his hands and walks to the kitchen where Sehun, Kyungsoo and Chanyeol are preparing dinner.  
  
“He’s cute.” Jongdae comments, watching Jongin. He turns to Baekhyun and snickers. “Are you really going to cry?”  
  
“Shut up.” Baekhyun brushes his eyes and glares at Jongdae.  
  
Jongdae fidgets in his place, biting his lips as if he contemplates something.  
  
“What?” Baekhyun asks him.  
  
“Wait.” Jongdae walks to the corner where he puts his bag and opens it. He takes out a white box and walks back to Baekhyun. “This is for you.”  
  
“You giving me present?” Baekhyun takes the box Jongdae handed him and widen his eyes in surprise.  
  
“It’s not exactly a present.” Jongdae mumbles scratching his head. Baekhyun will miss that gesture.  
  
He opens the box and finds a book boxed set. He takes it out. It’s The Mistborn Trilogy by Branden Sanderson.  
  
“They were mine so they’re not new books but I promised you before that I’m going to lend you Branden Sanderson’s books. I figure you could just take these books to New York.”  
  
“Thanks Jongdae.” Baekhyun whispers in hoarse voice.  
  
“No problem.” Head scratch. “I wish I could give you anything valuable for your new place but—“ Jongdae trails off. Head scratch again.  
  
“This is enough.” Baekhyun holds the book in his arms. “This is more than enough. You’ve done more than enough for me this whole   
time. Letting me be a part of your family, listening to me, that’s--” Baekhyun shakes his head. “I’ve never had someone doing that for me before. Really really listen to me.”  
  
Jongdae pulls Baekhyun into an awkward manly hug. His arm goes over Baekhyun’s shoulder and he gives him a light double punch in the back. When he releases him Jongdae coughs and Baekhyun wants to laugh at his beet red face.  
  
“I’m going to check our dinner.” Jongdae mumbles and leaves to the kitchen. When Baekhyun watches him go, his gaze locked with Sehun’s instead. Sehun smiles at him and mouths “are you okay?” Baekhyun nods and gives him his best smile, and the whole of his heart too.  
  
  
  
“I want to say that I’m sad you’re leaving but it’s not like we would never see you again. We’re going to visit you. Maybe on Christmas. Maybe I would even move there too someday.” Kyungsoo says. “I wish you the best of luck Sehun. You’ve always wanted to go to college in a big city and this is your chance. I hope you can make your dreams come true. And I want you to know it’s going to be a pain in the ass to find a guitarist as good as you.”  
  
It’s after dinner. Jongdae is already left to have a dinner with his family. Kyungsoo, Jongin, and Chanyeol are about to leave. They are standing near the doorway. Sehun is leaning on the door looking like he wants to follow his friends and stay rooted in his place at the same time.  
  
“Thanks Kyungsoo.”  
  
“Don’t be too sad because you’re going to see our faces soon enough.” Chanyeol ruffles Sehun’s hair and Baekhyun has a feeling that Sehun is the baby in their group. His boyish aura sharpens around his friends. He thinks of Sehun who always showing his brave bravado, always trying to look tough, always trying to show him how he would be able to fight off anything that threatens Baekhyun, and Sehun who stands in front of his friends now. He thinks maybe Sehun needs some alone time with his friends, time to let his guards down.  
  
“I’m going to check if I miss anything. Thank you for everything guys. I’m really going to wait for all of you on Christmas.”  
  
“Take care of yourself Baekhyun.” Chanyeol gives him a manly hug.  
  
“I hope everything’s better for you in New York.” Kyungsoo gives him a manly hug.  
  
Jongin, having said all he wants to say to Baekhyun just nods from his place beside Sehun. Baekhyun waves and he squeezes Sehun’s hand before he walks to his room.  
  
He hears Chanyeol’s laugh and Sehun’s sniffle before he closes the door to his room.  
  
  
  
“It’s weird sometimes I’m afraid I’m dreaming.” Sehun mutters against Baekhyun’s hair.  
  
“That’s not weird. I’m like that too. This whole thing is just..surreal. Everything goes too well.” Baekhyun turns to face Sehun, careful to not jostle his arm that was lazily slung over his waist.  
  
“Are you really sure about this Baekhyun? Following me?” Sehun asks, his eyes searching Baekhyun’s.  
  
“What do you mean? Of course I’m sure!” Baekhyun frowns.  
  
“New York is a big city. There is no guarantee that we’ll be okay there. I mean what if I couldn’t get a job soon, what if we’re running out of money and we can’t—“  
  
“Sehun.” Baekhyun cuts him. “That possibility could happen anywhere. We’ll be okay. Trust me.”  
  
“How can you be so sure?”  
  
“Because I’ve got you and you’ve got me.” Baekhyun grins.  
  
Sehun laughs, “yet you said I’m the sappy one.”  
  
“You’re rubbing off on me.”  
  
Sehun cups Baekhyun’s face in his hand and pulls him closer. “I’m so glad I found you. You have no idea how glad I am.”  
  
“The best decision I’ve ever made was to go to Cul-de-sac that night and caught your attention.”  
  
Sehun smiles. Baekhyun smiles. Sehun grins. Baekhyun grins. They laugh.  
  
Sehun kisses him mid-laughing.  
  
___  
  
  
  
New York is all bustling bodies, cabs and skyscrapers. There are people everywhere swarming on the streets. They are all seem busy, they are all look like they have some places to be, some things to do, always moving, moving, moving.  
  
Baekhyun’s gaze is hungry as he eating up the view around him through the cab window. When he looks back at Sehun who sits beside him, the same childlike excitement also shines from his face. Sehun laughs and Baekhyun laughs. It seems like the appropriate thing to do. Their cab driver looks at them weirdly through the rearview mirror but he can’t break the happy bubble they are in.  
  
“We have to visit the central park.” Baekhyun says.  
  
“And Empire State Building.” Sehun adds.  
  
“And Statue of Liberty.”  
  
“And Times Square.”  
  
“Everywhere.” Sehun decides.  
  
“Everywhere.” Baekhyun agrees.  
  
The cab stops in front of a red brick low-rise apartment building. There is someone clad in a black trench coat standing, leaning against the wall. From the picture Jongdae showed him before it was Joonmyun, the fiancé.  
  
Sehun pays the driver and they climb out of the cab. Joonmyun instantly walks towards them. The driver takes out their suitcases and the cab leaves.  
  
“Baekhyun and Sehun?” He asks, smiling a businessman smile.  
  
“Hello I’m Baekhyun.” Baekhyun says and Joonmyun offers his hand for a handshake. Baekhyun takes it and Joonmyun’s handshake is firm.  
  
“I’m Sehun.” And he shakes Sehun’s hand.  
  
“How was the flight?”  
  
They mumble something like good, great, nice, thank you. Joonmyun chuckles, Baekhyun doesn’t know why he does but he and Sehun chuckle along.  
  
“I hope you wouldn’t mind the stairs. Your new apartment is in fourth floor and there are a lot of stairs.” He informs them, walking and leading them to the entrance. He helps carry one of their suitcases. Joonmyun is right: there are a lot of stairs.  
  
“That’s fine.” Sehun says. Baekhyun could detect his nervous excitement from his voice and Baekhyun grabs his hand, squeezes it once. Sehun squeezes back and they climb the stairs.  
  
“The apartment is kind of dull, Jongdeok and I already tried to paint it bright colors but it doesn’t change it. Oh, Jongdae mentioned that you don’t bring any furniture so Jongdeok and I left some of our unused couch, bed and some other things there. If you don’t like it just tell me, I’ll take them back.”  
  
“No, I’m sure we’ll like it. We’ve been thinking about furniture too, we thought we’d have to sleep on the floor tonight so that’s very nice of you and Jongdeok, thank you very much.” Baekhyun smiles sincerely at Joonmyun. Joonmyun looks happy he could help them.  
  
The walls around them are painted in this dull creamy paint, making it duller than it already is.  
  
Joonmyun stops in front of a door and he takes a set of keys. He slowly opens the door and Baekhyun holds his breath.  
  
The first thing he sees is ocean blue.  
  
Ocean blue wall, white curtains, couches in different forms and colors, low coffee table.  
  
“Oh my god it’s..” Baekhyun gasps.  
  
“Perfect.” Sehun finishes.  
  
The apartment is actually far from perfect.  
  
It’s small, only slightly bigger than Baekhyun’s previous apartment. But the living room and the kitchen are in two separate rooms. Just like Joonmyun said, it’s dull. Baekhyun could clearly sees Jongdeok and Joonmyun’s effort in trying to brighten the room by the ocean blue paint, but it doesn’t do much. The mismatch and colorful couch added color to the room but that’s it. The window is too small and that’s the only window in the room. The wooden floor creaks under their feet when the walk.  
  
Baekhyun is in love.  
  
“I’m so glad you like it. The bedroom is at the end of that small hallway and the bathroom is across it.” Joonmyun points to a small hallway and Baekhyun could see two doors facing each other. “So I guess I’m going to leave you guys here. Call me if you have any question. And I hope we could have dinner sometime soon.”  
  
“Yes. Thank you. Thank you so much for you and Jongdeok. This place is exactly what we wanted.” Sehun says, emotions laced in his voice. Baekhyun nodding vigorously beside him, agreeing to every word he said.  
  
“You’re welcome. From what I heard from Jongdeok, things could get really hard where you came from. I hope you like it here. I hope New York is for you.” He gives Sehun and Baekhyun another handshake before he leaves. Baekhyun wants to laugh at him but he is too emotional to do anything.  
  
Once Joonmyun closes the door behind him, Baekhyun turns to Sehun.  
  
“Yes!!” Sehun shouts, laughing. He picks up Baekhyun and twirls him around. Baekhyun’s laugh is too loud. Sehun’s face is too bright.   
  
Everything is too much. Too much happiness. Too much excitement.  
  
Baekhyun wraps his legs around Sehun’s waist, cups his face and kisses him senseless. Sehun kisses him back as fiercely.  
  
“It’s perfect for us.” Baekhyun breathes to Sehun’s mouth.  
  
“It’s perfect. You are perfect. Everything is perfect.” Sehun breathes back.  
  
\---  
  
  
Baekhyun lays down the quilts from Jongdae’s mother on their new bed. The pale green plaid and pale yellow plaid quilts look good against the white sheet. His suitcase is empty and his clothes already inside the wooden closet. It still feels weird leaving his things everywhere in this apartment. Their apartment. Their home.  
  
The bedroom door opens and Sehun walks inside.  
  
“Chanyeol plans a housewarming party during Christmas.” He tells Baekhyun, putting his phone back inside his jeans’ pocket.  
  
“That’d be nice.” Baekhyun replies.  
  
Sehun walks closer and pulls Baekhyun into his hug. Sehun is the best at giving hugs. His shoulder is perfect for Baekhyun to lean his head on. Sehun leans his head on top of Baekhyun’s head and he rocks him from side to side. Baekhyun smiles and close his eyes.  
  
“We need to do some grocery shopping.” Sehun says.  
  
“And clothes for you.”  
  
“And pots and frying pan.”  
  
“And bookshelves.”  
  
“And bed things.” Sehun coughs.  
  
Baekhyun frowns, “Pillowcase?”  
  
“No, bed things uh for us.” Baekhyun tilts his head and eyeing Sehun weirdly. Sehun stares back awkwardly.  
  
“What? Couple pajamas? That’s too cheesy even for you Sehun.”  
  
“No! I mean..condom and you know stuff..”  
  
Baekhyun’s breath goes into the wrong pipe and he begins coughing furiously.  
  
“Oh my god.” Sehun gasps mortified. “Oh my god.”  
  
Baekhyun is still coughing. Images. Images flooding his mind. Images that he had repressed deep deep down in the back of his mind.  
  
Baekhyun looks back at Sehun and from the look on his face, he knows Sehun is thinking the same things.  
  
“I uh need to go to the bathroom.” Sehun finally mumbles. He turns his back to shield Baekhyun from his front. His front. Don’t go there.  
  
“You know where it is.” Baekhyun replies. Sehun hastily walks out of the room and Baekhyun covers his face. Sehun’s front. Baekhyun’s jeans tighten.  
  
\---  
  
  
The longer they live in the apartment the more they realize that it’s totally far from perfect.  
  
During the cold November days, the hot water often doesn’t work. They could hear the neighbor beside them having sex sometimes (and it’s such a torture because they haven’t bought condom and stuff yet). The couches are too small so whenever they want to have a couch cuddle moment, Baekhyun has to sit on Sehun’s lap which leads to another torture (damn, they need to buy condom and stuff soon).   
Neither of them could cook decent meal. Baekhyun makes the best ramen and Sehun is good at heating canned soup and those are their meal so far.  
  
They feel much more comfortable being themselves here. They never holding hands in broad daylight, but Baekhyun think even if they do no one would give them a second glance. New Yorkers are always so busy with their own business.  
  
Baekhyun had come home one night to his neighbor, Tao, kissing his boyfriend on the stairs. They paused when they saw Baekhyun, nodding and smiling politely, before continued sucking each other’s face. Baekhyun’s heart had been beating so loudly afraid people would catch them, but no one did. He made friends with Tao soon after that, always inviting him for dinner, although they have dinner in Tao’s place more often.  
  
Sehun got a job a month after that. He works in a music store downtown and he plans to apply to Columbia this fall. Joonmyun had been helping him studying since he graduated from there.  
  
Baekhyun got a job in a book store. He works as a cashier but he spends a lot of time in the stock room reading a lot of books and magazines. His boss is a nice young man named Yixing and he promoted Baekhyun into the sales department after he sold a lot of copies of Branden Sanderson’s books by only talking from his place behind the cash register.  
  
Baekhyun found his passion in writing again. He joined a writing competition and won a column in a small magazine which he sends his short stories to every week.  
  
(They finally bought condom and stuff)  
  
Their insomniac nights are so adventurous.  
  
\---  
  
Baekhyun wakes up to an empty bed. He frowns because he usually wakes up earlier than Sehun. He gets up and notices a small paper on Sehun’s side of bed. He takes it and reads the short poem.  
  
I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You  
  
I do not love you except because I love you;  
  
I go from loving to not loving you,  
  
From waiting to not waiting for you  
  
My heart moves from cold to fire.  
  
  
I love you only because it’s you the one I love;  
  
I hate you deeply, and hating you  
  
Bend to you, and the measure of my  
  
Changing love for you  
  
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.  
  
  
Maybe January light will consume  
  
My heart with its cruel  
  
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.  
  
  
In this part of the story I am the one who  
  
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love  
  
Because I love you,  
  
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.  
  
Pablo Neruda  
  
  
  
The door to the bedroom suddenly opens and Sehun appears carrying two mugs of warm coffee in his hands. When he sees Baekhyun is already awake and reading the poem he left, he leans against the doorway, watching him.  
  
Baekhyun looks up at Sehun, at the face he loves dearly. He clutches the paper and presses it tight to his chest.  
  
Sehun beams and Baekhyun is filled with sun.  
  
\---


End file.
